The monthly feelings.

There is so much to get out there today. First off I had a very rough night up about every two hours with cramps that seemed like contractions. They come in wavelike motions and my entire abdomen tightens and after about an hour of laying there I have to go to sit on the toliet to make sure I'm not bleeding out in excess which has happened before and would not be a suprise. I know it sounds extremely gross but this is what happens when I'm not on a hormone or birth control to regulate my monthly cycle. The bleeding, the swelling, the bloating and desmynneorhea, are all terms I could publish a thesis about. I have an entire system in place for dealing with this and my night time routine requires some alterations to bedding due to the fact that I have ruined many a nice sheet sets and actual mattresses. This morning I had to use good old hydrogen peroxide to take care of a little gift that was left in the bed. Why I get this neat little gift monthly worse than others, I know not. I just hope and pray that the Doctor's are correct when they tell me the pain of labor will be eaiser for me to tolerate due to this monthly extravaganza. Enough about blood.

This monthly biological transition also comes to me wrapped in a nice little package that is also filled with chemicals, also known as hormones. Unfortunately I'm also very sensitive to the hormone shifts that occur. I know what it can be like to be around a person who is affected by hormone shifts and I will be the first to tell you that it is very aggrivating. When a woman is expereiencing a hormone change she ususally feels that the entire world is against her she becomes upset at situations and happenings that would normally not bother her. I have understood the effects of the hormone ebb and flow and thus a few years back have decided to pay closer attention to my behaviors and remain silent alot of the time in hopes of my actions not affecting those close to me. My hormone changes usually result in me becoming frustrated with those around me that do not seem to be processing simple logic or letting things be as they should. I'm a big advocate of acceptance of reality, and I'm sure I'll be on that soap box soon. Sticking to topic however, my upset is usually stimulated by what I would consider ignorance or an unwillingness to see all sides of the hecta, poly, octo, whatever geometrical configuration our life exists in.

My problem today is that I can't get anyone else around me to see all sides of the situation I'm in. Now let me say that it is truth that I choose to be in the situation I'm in and that I can, with some effort change my situation but not entirely. I'm frustrated because of the lack of understanding of my career choice and what I do. There are very few people over the years that have been able to accept my in availability and in accessibility. I have learned over time not to try to fight them on it or explain it to them because if it is not something that they want to understand then they simply will not understand it. Let me explain this a bit better and for those of you that do understand and accept this I'm sorry there are still people out there that do not.

You see, I'm a registered Nurse in the state of California. In most California hospitals the best paying positions for nurse's require working in specialties such as ICU or L&D and working 12 hours shifts. If you choose to work weekend or PM shifts you also can get higher pay. I do not preform my job for pay per se, I do it because I actually enjoy it. Educating and helping others through a life changing event is priceless to me and I probably would do it pro bono if the law allowed. I'm however a woman of practicallity and thus I believe in the maximization of oppurtunity. If I can get paid a high rate for doing something I love then why not? I work PM shift as an L&D nurse. This does not mean that I work at night. This means that I arrive at the unit at 6:30 pm to change into scrubs and get report by 7. From 7PM untill 7:30AM I'm on the clock. On the clock means not allowed to LEAVE THE HOSPITAL. Yes, I'm stuck between the walls of the hospital for 12 hours and I'm responsible for peoples lives for 12 hours. There is no such thing as going out to lunch or leaving the campus. Try staying in your work place for 12 hours straight without even going outside and then doing that for 3 days in a row! When it is finally time to go home, unlike normal people who can unwind for a while I need to jump in the shower and get right into bed so that I can hopefully get my 8 hours sleep before I have to start all over again.

So as you can see, where as a person that works a normal 8 hour day has plenty of oppurtunities to maintain normal life during their 8 hour day, and normal breaks, I am not afforded that luxury. A normal 8 hour day worker gets a lunch where they can change their environments and maybe run some errands to buy them more relaxation for after work. A normal 8 hour day worker has time after work to watch TV or unwind or do some house work so that they can buy themselves greater chunks of relaxtion later, as I said previously, I'm not afforded that luxury.

I have had so called "friends" tell me that I have it so "easy" because I work 3 days in a row and have four off. Ladies and gentleman that is not the case. If and only if I get the luxury of having 3 days scheduled in a row, such as Monday night, Tuesday night and Wednesday night, then I must sleep Monday through Thursday which only leaves me Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. Let me just tell you, sometimes your body aches so bad that one of those days all you can do is sit in a hot bath or lounge around the house to recover from your week. Just because my days are close together a nurse still works 39 hours a week and in such a concentrated form it is alot more difficult that most would imagine. Most 8 hour workers can come home and tend to "needs" after work and sometimes before work or during their lunches so that they can maximize their time off on the weekend. There is no "time maximization" in between shifts for nurses, that simply is not a reality. I urge those that do not understand to try it out for a while. Simply try working 12 hours on 6 hours of sleep for four days in a row and when you get home do not do laundry, make your bed, do the dishes etc because you don't have time. Waking up on the fifth day after a week of working in such a manner will leave you with a plesant surprise.

I debated paying for a house keeper or someone to assist with this but I simply cannot justify that when I have a husband that works only 8 hour days and spends 2 hours commuting. Now I understand he is tired, I'm not asking for a lot, but if he arrives home at 6:15 that gives him an hour plus to unwind and then at least 30 minutes to engage in some sort of house work before heading off to bed where he is guaranteed 8 hours sleep. He is an amazing person and I'm so blessed to have him in my life but I feel like I have no support sometimes.

Actually I'm feeling like I don't have any support right now. These feelings I'm having are making me want to go travel to some remote spot and live alone in the luxury of my own being not accountable to another soul. I'm tired of justifying my actions and feeling like I simply cannot get it all together. I'm tired of being afraid of having a child because I "won't be able to give it the time it needs." I'm tired of feeling like I can't get ahead, cannot get anywhere, or make any progress. I want to just shut everyone out of my life for a good long year while I figure all of this out, and then incorporate those back in that are left.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just crazy.