Indulgence

I have been discovered this morning. Erik found out my morning routine from time to time includes eating an breakfast with more sugar than necessary and watching Degrassi and South of Nowhere. Erik exited the shower wrapped in a towel and took one look at the TV before he turned to me and smiled. His smile was one of ambivalence, not quite sure if he should be relieved that I was NOT watching an episode of The Hills or disspaointed that my top TV choices still consisted of indulging in teeny bopper flicks! He quickly decided that he found my choices to be endearing as he pounced on me to shower me with affection. My choices were deemed cute and accepted by him. I still find a wee bit of shame in such senseless television, but it makes me happy so the shame is not as painful!

Sirens and Tshirts

I awoke to the sound of sirens. My brain did not hesitate to allow this sound to remind me of Thanksgiving morning 2005 when my Papa died. I sighed away a moment of sadness. Erik awoke and we decided that french toast would be a great way to start out the day. I grabbed one of Erik's T-shirts to throw on with my pajama pants and again Papa came back in full force. Erik's T-shirt was thin, much like the thin T-shirts I used to wear of my Papa's when I would stay with my Grandparents. Yet another memory that comes back this time of year just to remind me of my Papa.

My belly is now full of buttery egg milk sprouted bread goodness. Thirty minutes here on the eliptical trainer should help displace the left over nutrients my body does not need. I must do some yoga following my cardio so that I can sleep well before this evenings Thanksgiving Labor and Delivery adventures! The holiday's at work actually are not as difficult as one might think. Being a nurse in a specialty unit makes you part of a tight nit family. I will just be spending Thanksgiving with my second family. We shall see how many buns decide to pop out of their ovens tonight!

Cranberries

Just finished preparing the homemade cranberry sauce for my at work thanksgiving feast. Red, tart, with a hint of sweetness. Completely good for you and delicious! If I could be a berry I would definitely choose to be a cranberry!

I'm cold.

Still waiting for UPS to drop off the computer components. I want to go out, but I don't want to get dressed! Maybe some house work is in order. Maybe.

Vanilla Sky

The last few minutes in my life were spent capturing the creamy vanilla sky that placed itself outside of my bedroom window this morning. Vanilla skies are my absolute favorite, they seem to embody how I imagine hope would appear to me if it became something one could visualize. Of course my shooting skills leave something to be desired thus what my eyes beheld is not what got put on my memory card. Today would be a good day for a shooting adventure, unfortunately it is my only day off this week and I must shop to fill our barren fridge and wait around for the UPS delivery of Erik's new baby boy, (baby boy computer) still unnamed as of yet.

This week at work was rather hectic. I had 15 patients over the past two days, 6 deliveries, 4 recoveries, and 5 triages. Two of the deliveries were special cases, one being twins and the other I explain in the paragraph following. I was filled with rage in several situations. This week I allowed myself to be assertive. My actions were not a resolution to the entire problem but for now I'm satisfied with the results. My last day ended with security, HR and a huge fiasco about a witnessed theft event in the locker room. Ugh. I miss working with the male species. For some reason the penis seems to lower the drama potential in the work place especially in nursing.

I delivered my second trisomy 21 baby. That was a heart wrenching experience. You see a Trisomy 21 baby does not always obviously possess the features of downs syndrome. The parents, whom were informed prior to the second trimester that the baby was Trisomy 21 kept saying that they were so glad that the baby was normal and that the doctors were wrong. Unfortunately I recognized the facial features on the baby and I knew in fact that it was not "normal" in the sense that the parents had hoped. When I took the baby to the nursery and laid it naked in the warmer the baby turned its head to the side showing me that it did in fact possess a bit more extreme facial features than I had originally seen. I tried to remind the parents that once a diagnosis of Trisomy 21 is made in utero it will not change. I tried to explain that in genetics cannot "get better" or "go away." I think I failed at my explanation as there was a language barrier due to my limited ability to speak and understand the Vietnamese language.

All in all, the stress and heartache of the past few days was replaced with warmth when I laid my eyes upon my vanilla sky. I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Waiting

Despite how much I mentally benefited from being back in the unit this week and living what I love, my body speaks differently. I do believe that it is time for an alteration in life yet again. My body needs rest and I'm beginning to understand that I should work hours that are more compatible with my life than trying to adhere to a schedule that will cause burn out. I informed my director today that I wish to alter my employment status to part time. For clarification I do intend to work full time but I will do so by working a third day of the week that I choose, and that works with my schedule but not one that was chosen for me. I also informed my director that I would like to work on the day shift from this point forward. Now I just have to wait for an answer.

Pre push.

Sitting at work (kind of an unbelivable event i know), but yes I guess you would call this a pre pushing relaxation event. I'm really waiting for the baby to come down the birth canal more, but he is stuck in the OP position. I'm turning patient from side to side every 15 minutes and I've had her in runners position for an hour! I really want this baby out, sigh.

Bonded

I'm glad to report that my nails are now shaped and filed. They were beyond haggard so I gave in and chopped and filed. Last night I awoke at five PM without an alarm. I felt like there were thumbs in my eyes. I tossed around the idea of taking the newly arrived Holiday cards to work with me to address them in my down time but I got a hunch that down time would not be in my reach tonight. The hunch was in fact correct.

Last night was another evening of running, triage, starting too many IV's too count and it all started off with me having to circulate an OR case that was already underway at the start of my shift. On went the cap, gown, booties mask, and of course the smile as reported to duty. The doors of labor and delivery never had a chance to close as mommies and daddies continually flowed through. There was enough amniotic fluid and blood in the unit last night to fill a lake. The quiet never had a chance last night as it was constantly overthrown by all of the cries of newborns.

Besides that I had to deal with an "incident that occured during a patient transfer that resulted in an explosion of a flourescent light. Gee the fun.

The highlights of the evening were that I was interrogated by two twenty something year olds about a career in nursing and how much they admired my work. I too admired their work as they were both sleeved up and down both arms, overcame narcotic addiction, husbands being in prison and one was giving birth to her second born. In the few hours we were together the three of us women were one. We all had challenges in life, hard spots, and down times and we all understood that by sharing, understanding and expressing honest compassion for one another that we were supporting each other. Three different women, one reason for meeting and all because somehow this strange universe had planned to pull us together to learn from one another. Open minds, shine light on hearts and allow us to be in a place in life that we wouldn't otherwise envision ourselves.

I was woven into last night. I was awake, open, aware and ready. My heart felt full. Illumination of souls poured into every moment of our work. There was enough laughter to vanquish all the sorrows in the world in just our little L&D unit alone. Warriors entering a battle, we collectively chose victory and thus it was awarded to us without effort. I feel like part of a family now.

Power

My nails are in dire straights. They are in need of manicure. I attribute most of their deterioration and malformations to last night. The soap in the waterless soap dispensers and the multiple uses last night are partially responsible, and my use of them as tools in opening IV med packets, vials, and for mechanical usage sucks up the rest of the liability.

Last night, or shall I report it to be early this AM because most of the action occurred just past 3AM, was a bit on the nutty side!

I went to work still congested and not feeling 100%. Helped deliver a beautiful baby boy @ 2309. The laboring and delivery was easy. Both parents were a joy to coach, concerned but not needy or whiny. Mom was a total trooper. I pushed with her just a bit past crowning and then called the doctor in for the delivery. Everything flowed just as text book delivery. This was all fine and dandy with the exception of a crabby post partum nurse who didn't feel like going above and beyond for her patient.

By 1AM it was just seven of us girls in the unit and one patient whom was just present for observation but not in active labor. We took turns with lunches, stocked the unit, swapped children stories and then the hour came. 3AM. The charge nurse had to let go of some of the nurses at this time because there was not justification for having the low patient to high nurse ratio. Two nurses joyfully left the unit, home bound to a nice warm bed. Not more than 15 minutes following the departure of our two sacrificial ladies, do we have the arrival of three pregnant moms all seemingly in labor. I needed a cough drop. My throat begin to hurt but as the world of nursing goes, the nurse comes second. I had to call down to ICU to find someone to tube me a cough drop, thank goodness I have friends in the right places!

While mom one and two are being assessed, triaged and put to bed, I find myself running from room to room assisting. I pop my head in the first room and the nurse states, "Yep shes ruptured, we need to admit and start an IV, she is also going to be a C section and she is already 6 cm." (this means we have to go into the operating room almost immediately and have the patient prepped and ready in 30 minutes)

I take note of the needs of nurse one and go across the hall where I literally run into nurse two who states: "she is ruptured and shes 8cm and feels like pushing and this is baby #3." (this means nurse two has the fastest moving patient) The adrenaline slams and I run down the hall to get the IV for nurse two as well as the birthing kit and any other equipment we might need when my charge nurse comes running down the hall and says: "we have a possible parking lot birth and Julieann you take the patient that just walked in!" I call another nurse to assist with nurse one and two and I go up to the front to assess the new patient. Unfortunately the housekeeping supervisor has decided that this is a grand time to wax the floors in labor and delivery and I have to hurdle over the ultrasound machine and IV pole and a wheelchair that he has convinently placed in my way! I will tell my supervisor about this one!

New patient does not seem to be in any pain but her pajamas are wet and she states that her water ruptured. I decide to ask her how it happened, because you can gather the accuracy from a patent's story most of the time and depending up on what they say it could have just been that they urinated on themselves, in this case it was most likely that her membranes had in fact ruptured, from the wet spot on her pants and the story.

I get the patient into bed and swab her vagina with nitrazine. It turns blue, most likely she is ruptured. I put her on the FHR monitor and the TOCO to assess for contractions and she is in fact contracting. I'm already on page five of the assessment and complete with the physical part when I look down at her belly again. Something is strange. I do Leopolds maneuver one more time just assessing her abdomen and pregnant belly, when it strikes me, she must be breech. So I ask her, "Where you ever told that your baby was breech, positioned with the head up?" She says to me, "Oh yea i forgot to tell you that, I'm breech so I'm scheduled for a C section next week." I smile but on the inside I really really wonder how and why this situation actually exists...it makes me cry on the inside out of frustration. At this point I have to do a vaginal exam and hope to God that I don't find a leg sticking out of a vagina. So i put her in trendelenburg position which is tipped with her head towards the ground at an angle and I preform my vaginal exam...and oh yea...there is a foot in there. Luckily she is only 3cm and the cervix is still closed enough to hold those little toes in the uterus. I call for whoever can hear me and tell them to call the MD stat. I finish assessing the patient, the OR is prepped and before you know it we are rolling.

The OR goes relatively well with the exception of a new RN who decides to assist me with the preparations. After everything is about done she asks the scrub tech and I, "What do you guys need?" The scrub tech and I both look at each other, exchange exasperated glances and then look at the new RN and shout in unison, "THE DOCTORS!" She runs out of the OR to tell the doctors to go ahead and scrub in. At this point I laugh, as it is the only thing left to do.

The rest of the procedure is fine. I take the patient to the recovery room. No vomiting, no hemorrhaging, vitals are stable, all is well and it's nearing the six o clock hour! She is also denying pain and allowing me to do fundal massage! Wow!

I get called out of recovery to assist some of the other RN's with starting IV's and moving patients when I find one of the patients to be an old friend and supervisor from ICU! Awesome! We chat for a while because frankly I need a break and its always refreshing to have this person to talk to as she shares the same sarcastic dry sense of humor that I do in the work place. We chat and I actually get to take her into the OR but that is where I depart.

I report off to the oncoming nurse who thinks it is funny to make jokes about charging me $5.00 for her to do HER job. She is one of the nurses that always leaves unfinished work for me to clean up and never stays over to help. I suck it up, smile, and I stay over and assist her hoping that she will learn from my gracious actions. A girl can hope right?

I'm home. I survived. I needed that night back at work. It reminded me that i love what I do despite the insanity behind it and the fact that it can be chaotic. The feeling of helping bring a life into the world is why I adore my job and what keeps me happy but the laughter, the companionship and being part of a team that can do amazing things is why I continue to do my job.

Being a witness to the abilities and natural orchestration of 5 completely different women in an overwhelming situation touches me deep down. There is something magical about knowing the power and strength behind seemingly gentle hands and hearts. Then after all of it is over and there is no more need for the display of these powerful qualities, the women tuck them away with grace, humility and thankfulness and smile understanding the paradox of how small it all is in the grand scheme of things.

A warm shower now beckons. Then the browsing of magazines that just came in the mail until my eyelids fall heavy with sleep.

Papa

On Thanksgiving Day of 2005, I lost my grandfather Mr. James Harold Yerka. His death was sudden and unexpected but he passed at home in the morning after having a slice of pecan pie, his favorite. I was never really sad that day despite being the first one on the scene at the hospital and viewing the ER coding. Actually I was aware of his death before even setting a foot in the ER. The paramedic trucks out front were parked sloppy and there were the pea green and purple boxes smashed on the ground, the boxes that I know so well. These boxes are the standard boxes that atropine and epinephrine come in for any emergency stock such as a crash cart, medic truck, medic copter, ER etc. These medications coupled with CPR or defibrillation are used to try to chemically charge and restart the heart. My hands that past year had opened those boxes in similar destructive fashion with great fervor in attempt to save lives in the ICU. Seeing those boxes on the ground now that I had not myself opened changed my feeling towards them. The scene became more vivid and suddenly the lavender boxes contrasted quite well with the red medic trucks. I walked slowly past the boxes on the ground the sullen faced medics and into the ER, I knew my answer before feeling the blast of ER from the automatic ER doors opening. I remember walking slowly up to the bed to the code and CPR in action, no one stopped me. I saw them stomping on his chest and I calmly placed my hand on a nurses shoulder and said, "stop." I looked at his rhythm on the monitor, there really was no hope. It was typical PEA or pulseless electrical activity. There was no electrical pulse it was only manual from them stomping on his chest. They all left the scene apologetically, the MD pulled me away and apologized stating that it appears to have been a massive heart attack. I thanked her, walked up to papa, felt his cold stiff hand, he felt dead. He had been dead for a while. I looked into his blue eyes one last time before closing them. That was my Papa's body, but not my papa anymore.

After that family started arriving and it was a mess, a big family drama. Every year I think about this event. Every year I remember the shower before I got the phone call from my grandmother that my grandfather had stopped breathing.

Sadly I remember awaking that morning feeling in my gut that something was not normal. The same feeling I get now that usually is in fact a harbinger to an unfavorable event. The feelings or preminitions I get however is a whole different story for a different time. Back from my diversion, I remember the feelings that morning, even the acid moving in my stomach while taking a shower and then sure enough as towel on head soaking wet I run to get the phone and there it is. There is the call, the moment that gave my doom feelings their validation.

Besides all of this, I have dealt with his death in a rather odd way. I never cried over his loss per se. I was sad, but in my heart I knew that this is exactly the way it was to be. I cried alot over the chaos that the family decides to evoke at the time of a death, that is just pure nonesense and again an entirely different story.

From time to time however I find myself thinking about my life and quoting my grandfather. I find myself in situations where his wisdom and words are the first things that come to my mind. These thoughts and contributions he made to my life are truly what I want to remember and they are also how I know his spirit lives on. It is so cliche to say that "when someone is gone what was most annoying you will find so beautiful and miss the most," but that statement is true. My grandfather repeated himself throughout my life. His repititious advice seemed to be annoying at times, but now I know that annoyance was only due to the fact that at the time I was choosing to deny how true it was.

I decided that I wanted to start taking note of his advice and words of wisdom so that I can convey the same messages to my children and their children. I someday aspire to be the same happy annoying grandmother to my grandchildren that my grandfather was to us.

One of the phrases that my grandfather used to often repeat is, "Neither a lender nor a borrower be, for loan oft loses itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry." This saying rings true today as I find myself a bit frustrated with a friend that is failing me. Sigh.

Sicky

I have since abandoned the entire free write plan. I'm still ill. My sinuses feel like someone has been digging around in them. This has been a horrific virus. It started with an achy throat which I concluded was from post nasal drip. I arrived at this conclusion after taking my pen light for pupil checks and peering into the dark cavern. Where my tonsils lived a few years back where large clear shiny blisters. They were not covered with white patches which in fact confirmed that it was mere irritation and not infestation. The next morning I awoke with a searing headache and I wondered if I would ever be able to inhale through my nose again due to the clogging. The crap storm persisted. Days later I became achy again and feverish. Laryngitis set in, and the congestion worsened.

The worst part of this entire viral infestation has been the inconsistency of the symptoms. In the morning when one would normally want to be able to awake, breathe and work on expectorating I was clogged. In the evening when one would normally sleep and like to have the congestion or fluids dry up so as not to choke on them, I was like a burst fire hydrant. I have been sleeping during the day and awake at night, which I'm sure is not helping.

I've been through a rainbow of cough syrups, over the counter cold medicines, preventitive elixers, and symptom relievers. Unfortunately none of them seem to have the effects that I want them to have, or live up to their claims!

Erik daily removes his pillow from the bedroom so that I don't get my "germs" on it. This morning I found that he hid it by the side of the bed! He has been so loyal feeding me soup, buying me popsicles and cold medicines, bless his heart. I must get back to my wife form and repay him, plus I miss cuddling with him. I could sneak and cuddle with him after he was asleep and he would never know...but I don't think he would appreciate drool on his chest or being woken out of sleep by a large seal bark!

I have been absent two of the three days I was scheduled to work last week and sadly I miss it, but I know my bank account is going to miss it more. I guess I can kiss new photography gear and computer good bye. I'm scheduled to work tommorrow, and I refuse to let some microbe that is smaller than me take me down...even if it is exponentially larger than I'm.

The Battle Plan:

Shower in steaming hot bath with allergy and congestion elixir in the water.
Consume 2000ml of fluid.
Double dose of vitamins.
Consume a fruit, vitamin, zinc concoction with vitamin B.
Steam throat and sinuses with humidifier towel over head contraption (taking care not to burn face off.)
Drink Tea and soup.
Attempt to nap.
Steam sinuses again.
Eat a solid meal for the first time in four days.
Finally wait for the moment in which the sparkles surround me and I hear the sound of the magical detonation of the viral bodies and feel instantly relieved so that I may sleep. Wait for it....waaaaiiit for it....wait for it! NOW!


On another note why are their Christmas and holiday commercials on TV already? Not sure I understand that one but the Hershey's kiss holiday jingle just made itself annoying to me. Eh, probably because I CAN'T BREATHE!

A point.

One of the aspirations I have jotted down in my tattered planner from 1999 is to have been published by the age of 30. I'm past 30 and I have been published but as a collective author, not on my own. I'm lazy. I should have published something by now, well more than a poem or an excerpt in a text book about the history of law in America. Phooey.

A few months back I was given a moleskin blank book which I had intended to breathe to life with a pen. Too bad the thing now has a nice sweeping of dust over it. I'm invigorated by this blogging activity. I type a lot faster than I write and think. My brain jumps from thought to thought faster than my mouth moves. I find it oppressive to expel my thoughts by any other means that typing. Here I sit, or type.

In this whole blogging adventure I skidded across a "free write" blog activity. The concept of the "free write" suggestion is to provide you with a topic to write about daily, to keep your skills fresh. The rules dictate that you have 3 minutes after reading the topic to write freely about it. I believe I would like to give the "free write" a stab.

Today's topic is: Poisonous words coated with honey.

All I can see is this thick translucent amber slime covering a very precarious looking black beetle like shape. Not sure what the beetle has to do with anything. Are beetles poisonous? I remember when I was around seven or eight years of age, in the back seat of my parents Buick. The seats had an odor of old fabric. I was hot and tired from the day. The sun was setting and we were heading as a family to Chuck E Cheese for our weekend reward for some sort of good conduct. My little fingers flicked the automatic window button back and forth out of sheer boredom. I noticed the silver coating was flaking off of the plastic button. That coating is actually quite sharp and from past experience I knew to be cautions because it would cut me. To my surprise the window started to roll down due to my dad's accidental bumping of the child safety release. In my startlement I must have opened my mouth because the next thing I remember is an acrid taste in my mouth and a sharp pain. There was a large black bug in my mouth. I spit and spit and screeched as if I was being tortured. The end result was my dad pulling over the car. The black beetle was chased out of the car by my hero! I was however given a good talking too about yelling at such a high decibel while someone was trying to operate an automobile. I cried. I was so upset at the taste that was in my mouth, I was sure I had been poisoned. At that point I'm certain that honey would have tasted quite pleasant.

Wow that's it? I'm out of time? I had more to write. In retrospect however, there is a good start and finish to the quick write. I didn't quite write about poisonous words, but I played fair. I wrote exactly what came to mind however I think that I got hung up on the literal sense of the word honey, and missed the entire phrase all together. Does that matter? Not sure. Hm I'm not impressed. I want a do over. Now I have to redeem myself! I think I may grow quite fond of this activity, possibly out of redemption, but still.

I need theraflu now, before I drown in my own bodily fluids.

The medical mystery continues.

The MD called today with my lab results. Everything is normal in regards to my body chemistry with the exception of my Eosinophil count. For readers that are not quiet familar with the term Eosinophil, provided is a definition:

Eosinophil - Eosinophil granulocytes, usually called eosinophils (or, less commonly, acidophils), are white blood cells that are one of the immune system components responsible for combating infection and parasites. They also control mechanisms associated with allergy and asthma.

These cells are eosinophilic or 'acid-loving': Normally transparent, they appear brick-red when stained with eosin, a dye, using the Romanowsky method. The staining is concentrated in small granules within the cellular cytoplasm, which contain many chemical mediators, such as histamine.

In normal individuals eosinophils make up about 1-6% of white blood cells, and are about 12-17 micrometers in size.[1] They are found in the medulla and the junction between the cortex and medulla of the thymus, and, in the lower gastrointestinal tract, ovary, uterus, spleen, and lymph nodes, but not in the lung, skin, esophagus, or some other internal organs under normal conditions. The presence of eosinophils in these latter organs is associated with disease. Eosinophils persist in the circulation for 8-12 hours, and can survive in tissue for an additional 8-12 days in the absence of stimulation.

My Eosinophil count is elevated. My MD believes this elevation to be as such due to my bodies reaction to allergens. She informed me that my hypothyroid symptoms are due to the elevated eosinophil count and allergies. In reviewing my test results from the allergist she has advised me to stay away from grass, mold, pollen, cats and dogs, olive trees, pine trees, dust, the list goes on ad nauseum. It was also suggest that I start making appearances for the allergist on a regular basis, which translates to: "weekly allergy injections." No thank you.

It appears to me that she is suggesting that I live in a bubble of sorts. I'm not certain as to what I should be thinking about this new diagnosis. I have been pensive on this one all day. Allergies are the cause of all of my problems.

It makes sense. I'm examining my lack of complete acceptance of this diagnosis, although I should be rather relieved as it does not require medications that would completely change my physiology or body chemistry.

Sigh.

I have thought about locating a picture of a stained eosinophil to frame and hang on my wall where I view it daily. My rationale behind this moderate absurdity is that if I'm exposed to Mr. Eosinophil daily in turn he is exposed to me, then maybe we can work on our relationship.

After

Last night was a night of insomnia. I tossed and turned. I was steadily plagued with a strong appetite to abandon home. My mind raced. Nothing could soothe the affliction had taken residence in my heart. I cannot comprehend how it has advanced to the place where I have lost all tolerance. At first I was uncertain as to the nature of my my thoughts. I toggled back and forth the idea that my confusion was rooted in some form of jealousy. Not a jealousy of person per se but a longing for condition, situation, and a chance. My methodology again became systematic. I began to process again from a base rooted in logic. The only sensible conclusion was that I was pushing firmly to try and become the "teacher."

My worst weakness is one that is amusing when explained. I find it very strenuous not to advise. At times this shortcoming lands me in a place I rather not be. This urge I have to teach or steward burdens me with an overwhelming sense of frustration from time to time. All in all I have found the solution to my predicament. The solution achieved by isolation from situations that stimulate me to teach, or as I now see it to impose.

I refuse to allow myself to become an imposition. I especially refuse to allow myself to believe that I possess a base of knowledge that deserves to be spread. The fact is that I'm ignorant. Other factors that contribute to the viscidity of the situation are the unwillingness of others to allow illumination and honesty. There is a fear that is being clung to. Unfortunately this fear has become the epicenter of a destructive wave of dishonesty.

As it has been stated in many ways by many a great person throughout time, the unwillingness to allow the world to see your flaws will prevent anyone from wanting to see even you. When a person barricades themselves from exposure intending to shield themselves from hurt the start the process of a life of deception and thus isolation. This is a very sad situation but fortunately is not a problem of mine.

I do believe that this experience has been enriching. A while back it was presented to me that one of the most trying moments in life will be when you are faced with a choice of being alone to maintain integrity versus living falsely in the company of others. At this moment I do not need light to shine in order to see clearly the answer that will result in a life of fulfillment. The lesson is one that is complicated, the answer however is simple yet ironic. In order to be in the company of others you must maintain integrity, as a life of falsehood will stear you down a lonely path.

After all of this pondering I have arrived at a sense of peace. The purpose of the turmoil was to advance my comprehension. It is silly that I should feel sorrow in growth but it is fact. When my being is labeled as an imposition it is only because of those that are perceiving me, not who I actually am, it is a harbinger. It is time again to cultivate. Another season of life has passed and thus it is time to say farewell to the burdens of the past, and seek out enrichment. The soil must be turned, the weeds picked. The garden has dried, it is time to seek out new land and sow once again in a place where the shortcomings of others will not trample upon my heart.

Lying

Lying can be divided into two types: white lies and black lies. A black lie is a statement we make that we know is false. A white lie is a statement we make that is not in itself false, but that leaves out a significant part of the truth. The fact that a lie is white does not in itself make it any less of a lie or any more excusable. White lies may be every bit as destructive as black ones. A governmetn that withholds essential information form its people by censorship is no more democratic than one that speaks falsely. The patient who neglected to mention that she had overdrawn the family bank account was impeding her growth in therapy no less than if she had lied directly. Indeed, because it may seem less reprehensible,teh withholding of essential information is the most common form of lying, and becasue it may be the more difficult to detect and confront, it is often even more pernicious than black-lying.

White lying is considered socially acceptable in many of our relationships because "we don't want to hurt peoples feelings." Yet we may bemoan the fact that our soical relationships are generally superficical. Most people state that white lying is acceptable becasue it protects someone while in fact it actually deprives the relationship of wholeness. There is also deprivation of the reassurance of the trust in the relationship if these things that were lied about were actually discussed openly.

Only in business or politics should the selective withholding of one's opinions be practiced from time to time. Withholding opinions in a personal relationship will eventually result in its destruction.

What rules then can one follow if one is dedicated to a relationship, or to the truth?

First, NEVER SPEAK FALSEHOOD.

Second, Bear in mind that the act of WITHHOLDING ANY information or truth is always and lie and that in each instance in which the truth is withheld a significant moral decision is required.

Third, the decision to withhold the truth should NEVER be based on PERSONAL needs such as a need for power, A NEED TO BE LIKED, or a need to protect one's life from challenge.

Fourth, and conversely, the decision to withhold tthe truth must always be based entirely upon the needs of the person or people from whom the truth is being withheld.

Fifth, the assessment of another's needs is an act of responsibility which is so complex that it can only be executed wisely when one operates with genuine love for the other.

Sixth, The primary factor in the assessment of another's needs is the assessment of that person's capacity to utilize the truth for his or her own spiritual growth.

Finally, in assessing the capacity of another to utilize the truth for personal spiritual growth, it should be borne in mind that our tendency is generally to underestimate rather than overestimate this capacity.

All of this might seem like an extraordinary task, impossible to ever perfectly complete, a chronic and never ending burden. And it is indeed a never ending burden of self disciplene, which is why most people opt for a life of very limited honest and openness and relative closedness, hiding themselves and their lives from the world. It is easier that way. Yet the rewards of the difficult life of honesty and deidcation to the truth are more than commensurate with the demands. By virtue of the fact that their lives are continually being challenged, open people are continually growing people. Through their open ness they can establish and maintain intimate relationships far more effectively than more closed people. Because they never speak falsely they can be secure and proud in the knowledge that they have done nothing to contribute to the confusion of the world, but have served as sources of illumination and clarification. Finally, they are totally free to be. They are not burdened by any need to hide. They do not have to slink around in the shadows. They do not have to construct new lies to hide old ones. they need waste no effort covering tracks or maintaining disguises. And ultimately they find that the energy required for the self discipline of honesty is far less than the energy required for secretiveness. The more honest one is, the eaiser it is to continue being honest, just as the more lies one has told, the more necessary it is to lie again. By their openness, people dedicated to the truth live in the open, and through the exercise of their courage to live in teh open, they become free from fear.

The monthly feelings.

There is so much to get out there today. First off I had a very rough night up about every two hours with cramps that seemed like contractions. They come in wavelike motions and my entire abdomen tightens and after about an hour of laying there I have to go to sit on the toliet to make sure I'm not bleeding out in excess which has happened before and would not be a suprise. I know it sounds extremely gross but this is what happens when I'm not on a hormone or birth control to regulate my monthly cycle. The bleeding, the swelling, the bloating and desmynneorhea, are all terms I could publish a thesis about. I have an entire system in place for dealing with this and my night time routine requires some alterations to bedding due to the fact that I have ruined many a nice sheet sets and actual mattresses. This morning I had to use good old hydrogen peroxide to take care of a little gift that was left in the bed. Why I get this neat little gift monthly worse than others, I know not. I just hope and pray that the Doctor's are correct when they tell me the pain of labor will be eaiser for me to tolerate due to this monthly extravaganza. Enough about blood.

This monthly biological transition also comes to me wrapped in a nice little package that is also filled with chemicals, also known as hormones. Unfortunately I'm also very sensitive to the hormone shifts that occur. I know what it can be like to be around a person who is affected by hormone shifts and I will be the first to tell you that it is very aggrivating. When a woman is expereiencing a hormone change she ususally feels that the entire world is against her she becomes upset at situations and happenings that would normally not bother her. I have understood the effects of the hormone ebb and flow and thus a few years back have decided to pay closer attention to my behaviors and remain silent alot of the time in hopes of my actions not affecting those close to me. My hormone changes usually result in me becoming frustrated with those around me that do not seem to be processing simple logic or letting things be as they should. I'm a big advocate of acceptance of reality, and I'm sure I'll be on that soap box soon. Sticking to topic however, my upset is usually stimulated by what I would consider ignorance or an unwillingness to see all sides of the hecta, poly, octo, whatever geometrical configuration our life exists in.

My problem today is that I can't get anyone else around me to see all sides of the situation I'm in. Now let me say that it is truth that I choose to be in the situation I'm in and that I can, with some effort change my situation but not entirely. I'm frustrated because of the lack of understanding of my career choice and what I do. There are very few people over the years that have been able to accept my in availability and in accessibility. I have learned over time not to try to fight them on it or explain it to them because if it is not something that they want to understand then they simply will not understand it. Let me explain this a bit better and for those of you that do understand and accept this I'm sorry there are still people out there that do not.

You see, I'm a registered Nurse in the state of California. In most California hospitals the best paying positions for nurse's require working in specialties such as ICU or L&D and working 12 hours shifts. If you choose to work weekend or PM shifts you also can get higher pay. I do not preform my job for pay per se, I do it because I actually enjoy it. Educating and helping others through a life changing event is priceless to me and I probably would do it pro bono if the law allowed. I'm however a woman of practicallity and thus I believe in the maximization of oppurtunity. If I can get paid a high rate for doing something I love then why not? I work PM shift as an L&D nurse. This does not mean that I work at night. This means that I arrive at the unit at 6:30 pm to change into scrubs and get report by 7. From 7PM untill 7:30AM I'm on the clock. On the clock means not allowed to LEAVE THE HOSPITAL. Yes, I'm stuck between the walls of the hospital for 12 hours and I'm responsible for peoples lives for 12 hours. There is no such thing as going out to lunch or leaving the campus. Try staying in your work place for 12 hours straight without even going outside and then doing that for 3 days in a row! When it is finally time to go home, unlike normal people who can unwind for a while I need to jump in the shower and get right into bed so that I can hopefully get my 8 hours sleep before I have to start all over again.

So as you can see, where as a person that works a normal 8 hour day has plenty of oppurtunities to maintain normal life during their 8 hour day, and normal breaks, I am not afforded that luxury. A normal 8 hour day worker gets a lunch where they can change their environments and maybe run some errands to buy them more relaxation for after work. A normal 8 hour day worker has time after work to watch TV or unwind or do some house work so that they can buy themselves greater chunks of relaxtion later, as I said previously, I'm not afforded that luxury.

I have had so called "friends" tell me that I have it so "easy" because I work 3 days in a row and have four off. Ladies and gentleman that is not the case. If and only if I get the luxury of having 3 days scheduled in a row, such as Monday night, Tuesday night and Wednesday night, then I must sleep Monday through Thursday which only leaves me Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. Let me just tell you, sometimes your body aches so bad that one of those days all you can do is sit in a hot bath or lounge around the house to recover from your week. Just because my days are close together a nurse still works 39 hours a week and in such a concentrated form it is alot more difficult that most would imagine. Most 8 hour workers can come home and tend to "needs" after work and sometimes before work or during their lunches so that they can maximize their time off on the weekend. There is no "time maximization" in between shifts for nurses, that simply is not a reality. I urge those that do not understand to try it out for a while. Simply try working 12 hours on 6 hours of sleep for four days in a row and when you get home do not do laundry, make your bed, do the dishes etc because you don't have time. Waking up on the fifth day after a week of working in such a manner will leave you with a plesant surprise.

I debated paying for a house keeper or someone to assist with this but I simply cannot justify that when I have a husband that works only 8 hour days and spends 2 hours commuting. Now I understand he is tired, I'm not asking for a lot, but if he arrives home at 6:15 that gives him an hour plus to unwind and then at least 30 minutes to engage in some sort of house work before heading off to bed where he is guaranteed 8 hours sleep. He is an amazing person and I'm so blessed to have him in my life but I feel like I have no support sometimes.

Actually I'm feeling like I don't have any support right now. These feelings I'm having are making me want to go travel to some remote spot and live alone in the luxury of my own being not accountable to another soul. I'm tired of justifying my actions and feeling like I simply cannot get it all together. I'm tired of being afraid of having a child because I "won't be able to give it the time it needs." I'm tired of feeling like I can't get ahead, cannot get anywhere, or make any progress. I want to just shut everyone out of my life for a good long year while I figure all of this out, and then incorporate those back in that are left.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just crazy.

Birthcut

WWW.BIRTHCUT.COM

The start.

I guess I shall deem this my first official blog. I have a blog on Myspace, and another hidden blog on eblogger that no one reads for my personal journaling needs, but this is my first published public blog. It has been my intention to create a public blog for a while but there are several factors that stopped me. The most influential of those factors would be fear. Tonight however a good friend gave me courage and inspiration beyond belief. She completely put herself out there and publicized something that was difficult and pretty private. In reading her words and thinking about her actions, I came to the realization that I have not been as alive as I claim to be. A person who truly lives, fears not what others think of them. A person that truly lives shows everything about themselves to the world and in doing so invites the world into them. Being true to others is an impossible feat untill we can be true to oneself. Thus completely inspired by the actions of this friend, I have come to write, publish this...my first blog entry.

I don't have any real plans for this blog. I do however plan to explore myself more and more by putting out there who I'm, what I do, think, and feel. Its difficult sharing with others about who we are but as time has proven it is truly the only way that we can come to truly know the answers to life's questions and discover what and who we are.

Today (actually yesterday now) several things happened. I was sick. I found out that this month I'm not pregnant. Boofer's was euthanised today for congestive heart failure. I did not get a thing done and I feel lazy because of it.