Blech

There is more than a lot that I want to post about self reflection and lessons that appeared to me this week. Unfortunately after receiveing a distressed call from not the charge nurse of our unit but MY DIRECTOR, I decided to help out the unit and work some overtime. I thought that I was going in just to deliver the patients that were close and transfer them out. I thought wrong. I had two very high risk patients that were more problems than anyone could have expected. It was not that the patients themselves were problems but the medical problems that they had were difficult to manage and the fact that someone dropped the ball somewhere along the line in their care did not help.

Because I'm so darn tired I have decided NOT to post any of the hoobajoo about my feelings.

Cleaning

As most of you know I'm on a mission in life to simplify every process I can in order to spend more time on health both mental and physical.

In the process I'm striving to live a less wasteful life, and help our environment out.

In my readings and with the help of dear friends (Ashley and Ben) I have also come to understand the severity of the impact that plastic production and waste has.

I know that plastics in and of themselves can cause cancer, and distrupt the endocrine system. Just simply drinking out of plastic bottles, storing food in or even a plastic shower curtain can be very hazardous to your health.

I have been on a specific mission to eliminate plastics from my every day life.

I have been victorious yet again.

I only use organic body soaps and lotions. This is because of the harmful chemicals that seep into your skin and blood stream from regular mainstreamed produced lotions and soaps.

We have been using JASON body wash for quite some time now. When in Maui we switched over to a bar of home made goat soap. WHile goat soap is rather expensive I sought out another soap.

I found Dr. Bronners's bar soap and I must say it is excellent!

The great thing about it is that it is wrapped in PAPER not PLASTIC, there is no plastic bottle to throw away nor is their plastic wrap!

I have heard people say it makes a great shampoo so I will try that next.

I have ELIMINATED, facial soap bottles, and body soap bottles, next is shampoo and then hand soap bottles. I have a plan for this, its just a matter of how well it will work.

For hand soap replacement I plan to purchase a soap dish for each sink and resort to using simple bar soap. I think it is so waste full and costly to our environment and finances to use plastic pump hand soaps dispensers.

I have no doubt that over the next few months with a few changes in habit I will have eliminated all sources of plastics from my skin/hair care regime.

I'm trying to find a way to eliminate lotion bottles. I have switched over to Burt's Bees Apricot oil as a skin moisturizer in lieu of lotions. It works well, unfortunately sometimes it leaves my skin too greasy. The good thing is it comes in a GLASS bottle, unfortunately GLASS costs more to produce and ship which wastes other natural resources in the shipping/distribution process. Must find solution to this.

I CANNOT USE any regular lotions anymore because the chemicals in them make my skin FLARE UP. I was informed by the wonderful author of Healing and Living Whole - that after weaning off of regular lotions after a while my body would flare up in response to them, and it holds true.

My skin can no longer tolerate the harsh chemicals found in regular lotions and products because it has been treated so well for the past few months. It is AMAZING how our bodies speak to us when we are listening!

I'm on my way to living greener. I hope by June that I will only have 2 bars of soap in my life, Burt's bees tomato face wash and Dr. Bronners. If anyone has any idea of conditioners that are in bar or condensed form PLEASE let me know, this would help me a ton!

Certainly

How to cook your life. A movie starring Edward Espe Brown. I need speak no more of this than I already have.

Water Lilies

Finally Erik fixed the computer, or allowed me access so that I could watch "available now" Netflix movies. I just got done watching Water Lilies. The message is simply about a teenage girl's coming of age, as potrayed by three different female characters all with different experiences. The film was French so it had English subtitles, but the film itself was simple to follow so the language difference was not in the least bit distracting. This will definitely be added to my list of favorites along with Surfwise, Billabong Odessy, PI, The Fountain, The Last Kiss, The Cell, and Across the Universe. A simply story line with complex metaphor, emotion, and the true capture of a females coming of age with sexuality. Beautiful.

Christmush

There is entirely too much to be done, however I beleive that occupying myself with these tasks will prevent me from dwelling on the bad economy which yesterday took a personal stab at me. I was put on MANDATORY on call yesterday. This means that the unit has not had enough patients to keep a full staff on and that it has been like that for a few days now. I took a VOLUNTARY on call 4 shifts ago, which means that I would be last on the list for MANDATORY on call. That means over the past 6 days they put 25 RN's on MANDATORY on call, so that they did not have to pay them! I wanted to work yesterday with hopes of making up for the little money that we did spend for the holidays.

Fortunately it is Christmas, and the time off I can use to spend preparing for the first holiday I have ever had completely off of work which is exciting for me. There is a lot to be done. Two families to prepare dishes for, gifts to be wrapped, children's projects for Christmas to bring, church clothes prepared, overnight bags packed for The Momma's and a house to clean! I also have to run into work to finish up some paperwork with H.R., drop off gifts for the nurses and turn in my liscensure updates.

In the midst of all of this I found a few hours last night alone. I parked myself on the couch and melted in to enjoy a soothing mug of green tea. Erik locked me out of the rooms upstairs so that he could wrap my gifts. I sat in silence in the living room taking in the solitude. I spent my few moments reminiscing about my friends and family. I found myself a bit sentimental as I evaluated the tree and the fact that its splendor was all due to the contribution of such lovely friends. I'm so grateful to have such beautiful people in my life. The snow flakes from the dinner party still hung upon the lamp. I couldn't help but chuckle remembering all of the dedication that went into the creation of those and how much laughter and joy lit up the room that evening! Lining the stair case the blank wall was no longer blank coverd with over 50 cards from friends, family, and loved ones sending us blessings for the holiday season. It was then that I realized that this room was quite warm, it was bursting at the seems with holiday spirit. There was so much love around me even in this moment of solitude! It just took some silencing of the mind and heart to realize that being lonely or alone merely a perception.

I'm a little sentimental this holiday season as it is my first holiday in five years that I get to enjoy without planning around work. I think being able to not have a complete holiday for quite some time has allowed me to appreciate what a holiday actually is. Despite the poor financial status that is occuring around us and so many this year, I'm happy because in it's place is true spirit.

Paced

Whew. We did it. I have never in my life shopped this late for holiday gifts. Summer trails off for me and officially ends when my Holiday shopping is complete. Maybe I was trying to extend summer, or maybe I was just lazy this year. I actually believe it was the latter because it is freezing out and not really very summery. The uncertain economy this year and the psychology nudged me into tightening my belt so to speak. After several financial adjustments, moving of money and collecting from those that owed me I felt secure enough to do some mild holiday shopping.

My experience with shopping this late in the game was horrific. I never knew what people meant when they talked about the "holiday chaos/rush" now I will never forget it! I don't plan to ever let another summer pass through here without ending it in a retail holiday collection. There simply is no reason in the world that I can think of to set foot in a store after Thanksgiving Day! I mean, sure its fun to look at lights and all the "glitz and glow" but that does not come with out a price. Despite the crowds, lines, parking problems, and lack of gifts left over in the store the shoppers were in very nice moods. I was not once scowled at, or scowled at anyone else either. I did witness a lot of unfortunate holiday shopping experiences, which made me grateful that I was not hit by a cart, barfed on by a child or baby, in the middle of a fight over a last item, stepped on, bumped, pushed, or yelled at. I escaped the madness without any real mad ness so to speak. I'm home finally, with gifts that are more than adequate and a very valuable lesson about holiday shopping.

In retrospect it was not as bad as I had anticipated it being.

Now I will not have to leave the house to even go to the grocery store until after the first of the year, and I don't plan too. The next few days as a matter of fact I plan to be on lock down. I'm going to be home cleaning the house, doing laundry and just straightening up prior to the years end. Christmas will be celebrated with the Du Bois and Collier families. This year the Collier family is including my mom, dad and brother. I work tomorrow night and then again Friday, Saturday, Sunday, with a few days off before I return to the unit New Year's Eve and New Years Day.

We are truly ahead of where I envisioned us as far as life planning, organization and household worries go at this point, yet not exactly ahead of the over all game. I'm looking forward to the New Year and all of the surprises that will accompany it. I'm not so much excited for myself as I'm for all of my friends and family and the aire of change that is surrounding all of them. The launching of careers, the continuing to build families, the start of new relationships, there is just something deep inside of me that is telling me that 2009 is going to bring on something quite grand in all of our lives. I'm excited about having those around me that are experiencing change and getting to be a part or an observer of those changes.

Despite the rushing and bustle of the day, it ended quite nicely. I'm beginning to enjoy those that are in my life right now the pace that things are at in life. Alot of it has to do with the conscious elimination of toxic things.

Drink

My legs drink Burt's Bees Apricot Baby Oil! They absolutely love it this time of year, and I smell like a fresh summer fruit in the middle of cold winter!

Disneyesterland

How I remember Disneyland.

One thing I do remember is that the big "challange" of the 80's was to get the apple that the witch holds from the Snow White ride. You had to be the first one on the ride of the night to get it, before some other punkers snatched it! The apples were just a fake plastic apples painted with black light reactive paint. How do I know that you ask?...I think I will keep that one a secret! ;) Apples plural. ;)









MY FAVORITE RIDE

I loved the snowflakes on this ride, they always amazed me as a kid, and they dropped the temperature to below freezing when you went thru the snowflake scene! The scary part was the HUGE eye looking at you, I would always close my eyes really tight during that part!

The attraction was designed to simulate humans shrinking to a size smaller than an atom (the "inner space"). As riders waited for their journey into the atom, they were able to see other riders entering one end of the Mighty Microscope. The other end of the Mighty Microscope had a glass tube in which miniaturized riders could be seen moving across. The microscope was aimed at a panel beyond which snow could be seen falling.

Upon boarding their 'Atommobiles', riders were greeted by the voice of an unseen scientist (Paul Frees) who explained, "I am the first person to make this fabulous journey. Suspended in the timelessness of inner space are the thoughtwaves of my first impressions. They will be our only source of contact once you have passed beyond the limits of normal Mag-ni-fi-ca-tion."

The Atommobile entered the Mighty Microscope and began to shake back and forth as the riders entered the darkness. As their vision returned, the riders saw giant snowflakes all around them, some still spinning as they fell. As they continued to shrink, the narrator exclaimed, "I am passing beyond the magnification limits of even the most powerful microscopes. These are snowflakes — and yet they seem to grow larger and larger. Or can I be shrinking — shrinking beyond the smallness of a tiny snowflake crystal? Indeed, I am becoming smaller and smaller!"

The snowflakes took on a crystalline form, eventually becoming large enough to cover the entire field of the riders' vision. Approaching the walls of ice crystals, the voice of the unseen scientist marveled, "These tiny bits of snowflake crystal tower above me — like an enormous wall of ice. Can I penetrate this gigantic prism? And yet, this wall of ice only seems smooth and solid. From this tiny viewpoint, I can see that nothing is solid, no matter how it appears." Indeed, it then became obvious to the Atommobile riders that the ice crystals were not solid, but a lattice-like structure that they pass through. "And still I continue to shrink! hat compelling force draws me into this mysterious darkness--can this be the threshold of inner space?"

Next, we encountered a matrix of spheres appearing in columns and rows of infinite length. "What are these strange spheres?" asked the narrator. "Have I reached the universe of the molecule? Yes, these are water molecules — H2O. They vibrate in such an orderly pattern because this is water frozen into the solid state of matter."

As we continued to shrink, the molecules became larger, and took on a peculiar Mickey Mouse shape. "These fuzzy spheres must be the atoms that make up the molecule — two hydrogen atoms bonded to a single oxygen atom. And I see that it's the orbiting electrons that give the atom its fuzzy appearance. And still I continue to shrink."

The scientist wondered, "Is it possible that I can enter the atom itself?" As the atommobile entered the atom, a storm of lights flashed past on all sides at impossible speeds. "Electrons are dashing about me — like so many fiery comets! Can I possibly survive?"

Suddenly the frenzy of the electrons passed, and the rider found him or herself in a large, empty space, surrounded in the distance by a sphere of slow-moving lights. "I have pierced the wall of the Oxygen atom," says the Narrator. "I am so infinitely small now that I can see millions of orbiting electrons. They appear like the Milky Way of our own solar system. This vast realm, THIS is the infinite universe within a tiny speck of snowflake crystal."

A large pulsating red ball could then be seen inside the atom. "And there is the nucleus of the atom! Do I dare explore the vastness of ITS inner space? No, I dare not go on. I must return to the realm of the molecule, before I go on shrinking...forever!"

The riders then began the return journey to full size, but were soon greeted with the sight of water molecules swirling rapidly. At first the scientist was confused: "Ah, how strange! The molecules are so active now! They have become fluid — freed from their frozen state. That can only mean that the snowflake is melting!" Around us we saw molecules moving faster as their temperature increased. The molecules were depicted in green and yellow, with occasional star-shaped flashes representing evaporation.

"Yes, the snowflake has melted," intoned a scientist's voice (also (Paul Frees)), "But there is no cause for alarm. You are back on visual, and returning to your normal size." The riders could see evidence of the scientist's monitoring as they passed under a large microscope through which they can see his giant eye.

Having returned to normal size, the riders disembarked and passed by displays of Monsanto's advances in material science before exiting the attraction building.











MY FAVORITE ATTRACTION

I knew all the words to the songs in the Tiki room. As a matter of fact my parents just drug up a cassette tape recording of me singing along at one of the visits to Disneyland from when I was 5.



MY FAVORITE PARADE

Videopowhat?

Feeling a bit nostolgic. Today I ran across some old pictures of Disneyland on the internet. Disneyland was a very important part of my childhood. When I turned 11 and my brother was 9 she allowed the neighborhood kids whom were in their late teens early 20's baby sit us. One summer, the summer of my 11th year they decided that it would be a good idea to get all of us Annual passess to Disneyland to make our lives less boring. This was around 1987 - 1998. We would spend almost every Friday and Saturday night at Disneyland with the older neighborhood kids as they were being PAYED to take us to Disneyland. Don't get me wrong though they found it quite amusing as they used my brother and I to "pick up" on dates or "hook ups." My brother and I were not naive to this and found it amusing as well. Usually we would go in a group so if someone did find a "hook up" for the night they could split off leaving my brother and I with whomever was NOT hooking up. We would go to watch the firworks, go on a few rides but the best was DANCING at Videopolis! Strangely people found it adorable that my brother and I would be dancing with a bunch of teenagers.

As time went on my parents allowed my brother to "spike" his hair and they would "crimp", "rat" or "tease" my hair. Yes neon was the fashion and we were no strangers to it! I actually had my mom buy me OUTFITS FOR VIDEOPOLIS by the time I was 13! These outfits consisted of layered ruffled skirts, hats and off the shoulder tops with black flats! LMAO! I really need to find pictures! Oh and for the record we were not goth or emo, we were "punkers!" And yes the boys wore eyeliner.

I couldn't dredge up any old pictures of Videopolis that I have but here are someone elses that suprisingly resemble the pictures I have from when I was 11 - 13 at Disneyland. I think I just dated myself as far as age goes. Oh well.

Here is a definition of what Videopolis WAS: (BTW YUMZ was AWESOME!)

Videopolis opened in 1985, a short distance to the west of "It's a Small World". During the day, the theater was used for theme park shows, but in the evening, it transformed into a vibrant 1980s dance club where music videos played instead of the more traditional LPs. Videopolis featured 70 video monitors which displayed music videos and/or live feeds that allowed guests to watch themselves. A snack bar called "Yumz" made food and beverages available to the guests. In addition, the venue's proximity to the backstage mortars from which the nightly fireworks were launched made it a popular viewing location for the aerial shows. (This area is now off-limits for fireworks viewing.)

Videopolis was prominently featured in an a popular television program[1] of the same name on the Disney Channel. Filmed live at Videopolis, the show broadcast concert performances from an array of Top 40 bands and singers including Debbie Gibson, New Kids on the Block, Tiffany, Glenn Medeiros, New Edition, Pebbles, Janet Jackson, and The Jets. Guests could watch major pop stars' performances and get a chance to be on television, all for the price of an admission ticket to Disneyland.

In 1995, Videopolis was dismantled. Currently occupying that area is the Fantasyland Theater, which is used for themed shows only. It typically closes after the last show of the day, usually early in the evening.




All these chairs came out and this became a HUGE dance floor at NIGHT! It was AMAZING!



Dancers @ Videopolis...this was a pretty accurate depiction of the "kids" that babysat my brother and I. See Yumz in the background??? They had the BEST fries and Frozen Yogurt!



VIDEOPOLIS



I know I had a STRANGE childhood!

Family

Not happy with the saturation and hue of these but here they are none the less.

Family

The DuBois Family

The Mama DuBois (Michelle) and the Brothers (Erik and Daniel)



The Collier, Tucker, Bruce Families

Lisa, Austin, Matt, Kate Bruce. Kathy & Sam Collier, Ashley & Lindsay Tucker, Daniel Erik & Julieann Collier



The Schiltz Family

Nancy, George, Georgie Schiltz and Julieann Schiltz-Collier



The Schiltz Family

Nancy, George, Georgie Schiltz and Julieann Schiltz-Collier



Schiltz Siblings

Julieann and Georgie



Collier, Tucker, Bruce Siblings

Daniel & Erik Collier, Ashley & Lindsay Tucker, Lisa Tucker-Bruce

Hurry

Holiday party was a success, fun for all. This week has been busy with work, re cert classes and housework! Nothing a woman can't manage! Erik and I have our appointment on the 29th with the birthing center NPWHMidwife. I'm formulating the questions I have for them. The appointment consists of an 15 minute exam for both Erik and I that tests our knowledge of pregnancy and the birthing process, a 40 minute interview, education question and answer session based upon our knowledge level, a 10 minute tour of the facilities and then a 15 minute discussion open forum! I'm excited about this whole process.

Tonight we scouted out viewing locations for the Newport Harbor Holiday parade but will only be attending based on the weather. The themometer on our back porch reads 29 degrees right now! It is quite nippy out I must say.

Erik and I had a lovely dinner at the Bull Chop steak house in HB tonight. It just opened so we decided to try it out. The asparagus was amazing, as well as the twice baked potato. The steaks were good cuts but the preparation and grilling was not accurate for a steak house. You win some you loose some. My stomach hurts like MAD and has been for the past few days after every meal. I won't go into detail about what accompanies the pain but I do say that it is quite past the time for another fast!

I'm truly excited about becoming the surrogate for Puka and Ryo this next week or so, finally I have cuddly furballs. I should take a before and after picture of my face so everyone can see what my feline love does to me! I miss having meow meows about. My favorite part is their little ears and wet noses in my face and kissing their paws! I hope Laura does not mind her kittens being violated! The frogs will get some love too but surely not as much as the cats.

Tomorrow will be busy. We are attending Danielle's G-pa's funeral, to pay respects and to support our extended family. Have to get the grocery shopping done for the next two weeks including the Holiday goodies. I thought I might have some time to make some of Pamela's Puddin Cookies but it doesn't look like that will be a reality with the family candy bags that need to be done and the family holiday dinner bring alongs. I still cannot believe how close Christmas is.

To be honest with you I have not bought 1 single gift as of yet. All of my holiday shopping is usually done in September. I don't think there will be much holiday shopping as finances our tight for us with the purchase of a new car, the raises in rent, and the planning for a house and baby. My family has already requested that no gifts be exchanged which is fine by me, although I have a little surprise for them as I cannot stand not to give. We still have to make some purchases for Erik's family and even though Erik and I purchased Elegance for one another I still need to come up with a few prizes for him!

I still have to get pictures/photos out to those that requested it for the holidays! Batch processing is my friend!

Saturday. night should bring fun! Going out with the Master's and company for some sure good times!

I work again on Monday which leaves me very little time for other Holiday planning. I truly had no idea how much was left to be done until I just started writing this moment.

Ugh. I better get off of here and get my buns busy!

Tunes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4tcRlHY-3Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYeTwfyx0nw

Ramblings

I found out that the entire posting of the letter of complaint that I wrote was a major screw up and someone is going down for it. I'm sad about that. I find it amusing however that in someones mind they actually thought it would be a good idea to post the letter in the first place. Oh well, their problem.

I'm excited about tonight. I love having friends over despite how the depth of preparations that go into it. Soon I hope to have a house that can accomodate a larger number of persons and the gatherings can become more frequent.

I have chocolate in my hair and on my face, and I smell like coconut from all of last nights preparations. I should truly be in bed however the camera just beckoned and I had to take some photos of the pre party preparations.

I have been tossing around the idea of getting pregnant alot more. My research in finding new OBGYN's and a RNP midwife was a success. I'm still undecided about how I would like my birthing experience to be. The birthing center which has the RNP midwives also does home births. I have been thinking about that as well. Erik stated that it is completely my choice and he does not have a problem with the finances of either method as long as I feel that I'm doing exactly what I want. He even stated that he would like to take child birth classes in case he needed to assist in delivering the baby either at home or in the car. Wow, how did I find such an amazing man? The birthing center has a dinner every two months that is completely free of charge where they discuss the choices for birthing, risks, benefits, advantages and dissadvantages to both hospital and birthing center/home births. I'm a bit ahead of the gave here thought. Before I get pregnant I need to be physically fit, and that I'm not.

I will return to my healthy regeime after tongights festivities! Although I have not had an alcoholic beverage in over two months! I have been craving beer.

These are what kept me awake until now. For clarification, the process of making and photographing them is what kept me awake, I have yet to eat them!

Blech

Got put on call again tonight. After two very tedious yet strange days. Yesterday there was no more than 2 patients in the unit at all times. One of the patients was mine. She needed a higher level of care for preeclampsia so she was assigned to yours truly. The other five nurses dealt with 7 different moms all which came in at 8+ centimeters dilitation and delievered within 1 hour of arrival. It was a bit spooky that as soon as we finished with one deleivery and transferred out the patient not more than 15 minutes would tick by without another popper! Odd.

I'm having a problem with the post partum unit. You see I believe in standards of care of patients and co workers being well standard. Lately the preformance of the post partum unit has been sub par. I notified my supervisor about the lack diminishing standards and productivity of the unit. The email notification got published in the post partum and labor and delivery unit. Of course my name was crossed out but becasue I had mentioned a specific incident that I was witness to everyone whom read the letter knew that I was the author. Sigh.

Others were weary that the post partum nurses may retaliate or treat me differently because of this letter. I at first was a bit cautious but honestly I'm a nurse becasue I believe in what I do. I do not have doubts about the care I administer or my professionalism. I'm not saying that I'm flawless, I'm not by any means, but I know that I do my job with my heart and I love what I do. Unfortunately not all nurses hold this beleif. Now I don't care what beleifs you hold but if you are being paid to do something, then DO IT! Like my grandfather always told me "If anything is worth doing then do it all the way."

Last night I was treated with complete disrespect, inappropriate attitudes and approaches by one post partum nurse in particular. Her actions towards me I knew could only be because she was upset about the letter, which has now caused the director of both units to put the nurses under closer watch. ANyhow the attitude and the seeking of revenge that the charge nurse of post partum had, and her desire to make ME suffer actually effected the patient in a very negative way. This will be addressed with Human Resources. Her desire for power, her ego and her inability to realize that she was flawed caused a patient an unecessary inconvinence and potential harm. She also cost the hospital alot of money. She should have put aside her selfish motives. It is sad when someone wants to hurt someone so bad that they wind up hurting someone innocent. The most awesome thing about it was that the more she tried to bother me or attempted to get me to react, the nicer I became. At the end of the shift one of her co- workers came up and asked me if I was going to report her. I just kept my mouth shut. I will let her sweat it out wondering if she still has a job. The sad thing is, I don't think she will ever see the error of her ways. Obviously her focus is not in the right place. Some people SHOULD NOT BE NURSES!

In the personal area, this week has brought news of both a new life and a death. Naomi is pregnant, and Danielle's grandfather passed away. I feel there is a balance about.

Lazy

I need to develop a plan for health improvement.
I need to re prioritize.
I need to clean house and purge yet again.
As Maddox would tell me...I need to "move it move it!"

Sentiments

I have more than I want going on right now in my life in the interpersonal department. Apparently my filter for sifting out problems in that section has a huge whole in it. Despite the amount of different issues, my dealing with them has been going rather well. I knew that at some point in my life the issues that exist would surface and come to the forefront of my life, what I did not know was how well equipped I would be to handle them. I definitely however, cannot take all the credit for being so prepared. It is not only the knowledge and ability to handle these situations that I have been blessed with but those around me that offer the support, insight and feedback that get me through.

I believe that over the past year it has been made clear to me what I look for in friends and who those people are in my life. As I have stated before I never quite understood the need for female relationships. Over the past five years I have been proven wrong. I would like to retract that statement and clarify that I could not live without Danielle, Naomi, Laura, Pamela, and Crystal in my life. Despite the fact that it is not as often as I would like that I get to spend time with these wonderful women, they are my life force!

Chatting with anyone of these amazing and inspirational women for just a mere hour seems to brighten my life for weeks. These women represent motivation, inspiration, passion and love to me. They are career minded, motherly, friend needing, relationship stumbling, learning, growing, inspirational people all in their own ways. While some may live states, counties or only minutes away I keep them near my heart. Moments in friendship may not always be smooth. Time together might not always be possible, and what we planned, ironically, might not always go according to plan but in the end I would do anything to make sure these women stay a part of my life in whatever way they wish.

All five of these amazing humans are so completely different yet so much a part of my life. It is almost as if each one of them is an extension of a corner of my personality. They make me feel human, remind me that its okay to be flawed, but that the love me just the same. They find my personality quirks amusing and help me find the lesson in my mistakes. Best of all, together we always find the shelter in the storms, or at the very least we share an umbrella.

I'm working through these issues right now and I think that they are presenting themselves to me in order to push me into forming a new support network and helping me grow up. Over the past few years it was revealed to me that I had role transition issues. I was expreiencing periods of anxiety and sadness and it was because ties in my life were being cut and my life roles were changing but I was resisting. Consciously I knew that there would come a point when I would move into a role where I was a supportive force but a part of me was still leaning. I have come to find that I can still lean just on different beams of support and at different angles.

I have been taught over the past few weeks that it is not the responsibility of others to change to fit into my life, but my responsibility to set up boundaries and allow into my life who actually fits. Relationships are like clothing. They come in different sizes and fits and not every size or fit looks good on every person. It is unrealistic to think that you can feel good in every relationship. It is not possible to have every person fit into you life and feel good. You have to be exactly who you are and choose accordingly what feels good and "fits." Of utmost important we must comprehend that as we live, we change, and we grow and what was a good fit before may now have to be scrapped but there will always be something that is comfortable as long as you are willing to try it on.

People change. People exprience and live their lives and sometimes that means letting go. As the quote dictates, "The toughest part of new beginnings is saying good-bye." Unfortunately new beginnings are inevitable and resistance futile.

$1.69

I'm on call. I was owned by last night. It ended at 5 am in the ICU, enough said. Sleeping today was not allowed thanks to the neighbor that thought he actually was in the stadium watching the USC/UCLA game. Apparently he is deaf because even with my bedroom window shut my sleep was interrupted with each play he approved of. I firmly believe that he really was convinced that the louder he yelled at the players the better his chances were of getting through to them. I really do hope that he had money on the game because he sure expended a grip of energy as a mere spectator, in front of a television. Five PM rolled around and I still had not received notification of a flex or on call status. I went along as if I was going to work, showered, prepped my lunch but just as I was ready to completely accept that the night would be more than exhausting a call came through and I was placed on call!

I took the opportunity to bake the cookies that I have wanted to bake for two weeks now using Pam's recipe and I must say, I'm surprised that I do not have a belly ache. Those cookies were beyond words, amazing is an understatement. I got a visit from the Mumolo family, which included cookie sharing, Kung Fu bubble blowing, swinging in sheets and ball inside the house!

Erik and I decided to conclude the night by driving around viewing holiday decorations and we hit the jackpot! We went to Huntington Harbour which was drenched in light, color and amazing creations. Tom morrow night we are packing a picnic dinner a huge blanket and going to the park to watch the Holiday Harbour Light Boat Holiday Parade!

It's amazing how much fun you can have for the price of a gallon of gas!

More Bits

I was fooling around with camera settings and lighting last night and I found myself forming an actual collection of photos. The small collection of photos is from our bedroom and is what I see when I wake up in the morning and look around the room, minus the window and TV that are in the room. I also added in a few photos of my favorite and most comfy pajama pants! Not being able to get the correct exposures and the correct lighting I have decided that it is necessary that I dedicate a lot more time to studying photography if I ever want to be able to take pictures. I know so little but its enough to be dissatisfied with what I shoot and get frustrated.

Bits

The last few days have been decorated with work, angst, and a few relaxing moments. I'm still trying to get the house in order for upcoming festivities but the colder weather and darker skies make it easier to stay amongst the blankets. I have been trying to read my books. Currently I'm about 25 pages from the completion of Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled." I'm about 45 pages into the book "Girls" that was loaned to me by the library of Laura and I started the Novel "The book of Air and Shadows," by Michael Gruber. Sigh, I wish that my mind could be more simple and allow me to finish one book at a time but alas that is not the way it works.

I actually had a pleasant week despite the ongoing atrocities that spilled over somewhat into my social and family life. I care not to discuss here the "friend" situation but I will declare that my mother is being a less than favorable human being and thus I have not exchanged verbal or other contact with her in over five days. Five days may seem a normal length of time to go without contact however my mother usually calls me five times a day. I have learned that I need to put this aside. I have learned that I need to put a lot aside in my life.

On a higher note, the newest member of the family arrived. Her name is Elegance. She is the sister to Oblivion. I take care of Oblivion now and Erik has the majority of the responsibility for Elegance. This has made my ability and access to photo editing and processing much easier. We were a bit skeptical about the birth of Elegance as her creation and construction was all done by Erik, but I'm proud to report she came to life without a hitch and runs...well with Elegance. Just so I don't sound too crazy, Oblivion and Elegance are our computers.

I pondered for a few moments today, as to whether my yearning to stay in bed was due to a case of depression or just laziness. Finally I forced myself out of bed to have coffee, run around with the Mumolo family and take the trusty camera out to see if I could get it to cooperate. I have some photos I took of Maddox that I'm happy with although the family photo session didn't go as had hoped.

I made Thursday night dinner which is always the clean eating chicken casserole. Danielle stopped by for a bit so I could provide her with a copy of the photos on CD. I also was walked through the steps of "batch processing" using Adobe Photoshoppe and Adobe Bridge. I'm not sure I will remember it but at least I did it.

All and all the week has been rather productive. I accomplished all of the grocery shopping, did more chores than usual and spent time with a friend and my husband. The linens on the bed are freshly washed and the kitchen is clean for the majority so I cannot complain. I also worked. Unfortunately my work week is not over as I'm scheduled for tomorrow and Saturday night. Maybe I will be flexed. We shall see.

Some of the pictures from today.

The following photos are both of Maddox. If you click on the photo of Maddox's face and look closely into his eyes you can see a reflection of me taking the actual photo. That is not good photography. It was a fluke and the fact that Maddox has some amazingly reflective eyes! Pretty neat.

Two L Words.

Loving and Lying

I'm a bit on the bruised side emotionally. The past three days have been filled with changes in my views of people that I have not quite sorted out yet. These people that I speak of are those that I consider(ed) close to me. Over the past few years I have come to realize that when making a decision I have to consider my heart and my boundaries. Mixed emotions plague my mind this morning. A portion of my soul, my instinctual portion is telling me that again I'm being taught by something greater than myself. The main theme to this lesson is honesty. Dishonesty has constructed a superhighway through my life over the past few months, but to counter that I have become armored with new understandings of dishonesty and lying. I speak not only of the dishonesty of others and generic lying, but I also speak of dishonest matters of one's heart.

My childhood life had taught me that in order to be love I must act in accordance with the expectations of others in order to gain approval and approval equates to love. This theory is lethal to well being. In fact I do not need to be accepted or approved of to be loved. I do not need to meet the expectations of others in order to find love. I state this, however I know the difficulties of putting this into practice. A great portion of my life has been spent engaged in activities that one might find impressive, and socially acceptable, and hopefully those achievements would lead me to love that I so longed for. In fact this is not at all the case.

Love came to me because I was open to it, it has stood by me in the forms of friends, a husband and a new family. Those that love me do not require ridiculous actions of me, in order to love me. They do not require me to meet their expectations and they are not disappointed when things don't go as they have planned because those that truly love me understand wholeheartedly that I'm human and I'm flawed. Those that truly love me understand that relationships are fluid and do not require a point system to sustain them. Relationships are built on unconditional love not expectations and standards. It has taken me a long time to understand this.

Prior to the past few months I believed that fulfillment of expectations I had of others, and that they had of me was how love was demonstrated. Again, I could not have been more wrong. I have spent the past few years expecting love to manifest itself within these forms that I had created in my mind. I expected people to act or behave a certain way contingent upon the feelings that they were trying to express to me, or the relationship that we had. It has been a very sad time and thus far a difficult life at times due to the fact I was working against the natural laws of love.

As of late I have learned to release the expectations I have of others and of myself. In doing this I have found a happier person. I have put into practice the behavior of letting go. I let go of attempting to create a reality or to craft my fantasies into reality. I have realized that by living such a thought out constructed life I was cheating myself out of the spontaneity and natural occurrences that lay before me. I was denying myself the pleasures of actually living life. I have started viewing family and friends as their own entities, allowing for their feelings and emotions to be considered. I have ceased the demanding of attention, occurrences, meetings, events, in order to prove love. I have started relying on spontaneous gestures. I have stopped holding people accountable to some unrealistic time line or behavior pattern that I have deemed "the way it should be."

You see, in fact, people are just fine the way they are. There is no "way" that anyone "should be" or "should act". If you are too truly love a person you allow them to receive and give love just as they would and not to your standards or requirements. Demanding the action of another in order to prove love is not only not healthy, it is extremely sick.

I have made the difficult choice of not allowing people into the depths of my life if they are to make such requirements. I have been practicing this for the past four years unknowingly.

A few years back a person I considered a "best friend" almost as if she were a sister to me begin to pour judgement into our relationship. She began to disagree to disagree. She wanted more of me than I had to give her and she not only demanded what she wanted but she required that I change who I'm in order to sustain the relationship. That did not work and surprisingly it was easy for me to let this relationship go. I do believe this event was one of the first chances I had to practice my new understanding of love.

The cessation of the relationship was not the success point. The success came when I found myself able to love and forgive her despite the fact that the relationship had been severed and their was no longer any contact. My health was restored the moment I was able to understand that I loved her for who she is and that I could allow her to find her place in the universe sincerely wishing her no harm and hoping the best for her. Forgiveness was the moment I became enriched and I begin to feel alive again. Situations similar to this have been occurring in my life and gradually it has been easier to recognize and understand dysfunction. Once the dysfunction has been recognized it has been easier to decrease the intensity of the relationship or if necessary dissolve the relationship completely.

You see the balance of all of this is assisted by the boundaries. Boundaries can only come from knowing oneself. One can only come to know oneself by being with and only with oneself for a great deal of time. I must admit there were times over the past 7 years where I had to distance myself from Erik in order to re construct myself and to learn about me. Being in a relationship and attempting to come to know oneself is quite difficult unless the person you are in are relationship with is nearly a saint! Thank you Erik. Of course it can also be done in therapy in order to salvage the relationship, or a combination of distance and therapy. Either way knowing oneself so that one can create honest healthy boundaries is vital to sustaining healthy relationships.

There is a great balance of love. The balance has two components that are constantly in need of evaluation. The two components are what I have discussed in the beginning, they are: acceptance and rejection.

Loving is acceptance in that it asks of us to accept others for who they are without standards or requirements. It asks of us to acknowledge differences, allow for individuality, and to exercise patience and tolerance. Love through acceptance asks of us to forgive, learn and grow together. Acceptance requires us to take COMPLETE responsibility for ourselves and to be accountable for all of our actions.

On the contrary love does not ask us to accept to the point where our boundaries are being violated. The moment our boundaries are violated, we have rejected love. Understand that only we can allow the violation of our boundaries, we have total control over who is or is not in our lives and the extent of our relationships with them. We are not helpless creatures. When our boundaries and ourselves no longer allow us to be patient, to tolerate, to understand we must reject those that are in violation of our boundaries. If we choose to accept rather than reject those that violate our boundaries then we have also chosen to allow ourselves to be disrespected thus we have stopped loving ourselves. Once we resort to rejection of oneself by allowing violation, we have lost love completely.

The destruction of love can also resort from dishonesty. When a person is not able to be honest with themselves about what they actually want or need, how can they convey that want or need to another person? A person who does not know what they want or need simply cannot convey to another person their wants or needs, thus leaving no boundaries. No boundaries will eventually result in lack of acceptance, violations, and rejection. Dishonesty is the soil which blossoms relationships without boundaries.

Another dead end for relationships is created when a person is honest with themselves but dishonest with their partner. Dishonesty does not allow for communication. When one partner is left in a pool of lies, or a place void of communication then they cannot set appropriate boundaries. Without communication boundaries can only be created on assumption, which is a disaster in and of itself. Without honesty only false boundaries can be created, which truly begin to build a destructive foundation.

Most people go through life with one of these discussed problems navigating their ships at some point. In understanding the discussed components of love we can know for certain that these ships are destined for very stormy seas or even a deadly ship wreck.


My life currently has been a reordering process. The world around me including the relationships that I'm a part of have been changing. Lately if feels as if the building blocks are being arranged to reveal the way things should currently be.
I have come to find out over the past few days that my life was partially being navigated by problems, and not by my heart. It has become truly necessary that I redirect my course and set sail for calmer waters. In just the past twenty four hours the reconstruction and re mapping of my life has changed my feelings in regards to several situations that I previously feared. I'm no longer afraid of where I should be or where I'm going.

From this point forward I pray for discernment. I pray for the ability to distinguish between toxic problem directed persons and those that are guided by honest true motives of the heart. I hope that from today on I will be able to form my family in peace, to continue to grow with healthy individuals that surround me. I'm CHOOSING to live a life where those that are around me respect who I'm. Those who will be worthy of my quality time will be those who do not judge me or require specific actions of me to demonstrate love. I'm looking forward to spending my days with honest people who love me for my smile, my silence, and my being, not for my accomplishments. I'm looking forward to being around those that appreciate the small simple things in life such as the ocean waves, the sunsets, food, arts, and spontaneity.

I refuse to be around yelling, arguing, fighting, self promotion, and lies. I want to be as far away as possible from the ego, from those with the victim mentality. I wish to ONLY be around those that accept my decisions even if the decisions are as simple as what type of coffee I drink, where I sit in a movie theater, or what time I arrive to an event. I will not tolerate those that judge me for operating within my boundaries. If someone decides to harbor anger or resentment towards me because I had to break plans and i DO SO HONESTLY and for HONEST REASONS, or because I opted for something different than what they wanted or they expected then it will be necessary for me to reject that person and their feelings. Their feelings of hurt and sadness may in fact be true and valid but if my actions are what they are blaming for their feelings then they in fact have no boundaries and no respect. I also must say that I out and out refuse to be around those that lie, even by omission (please see blog titled: "LYING")

In this lifetime I want to hear stories and share stories of life happenings, enrichment's, philosophies and new adventures. I want my life filled with a true love, a love accepting of me for exactly who I'm. I want those around me that respect my boundaries and have patience, whom speak when it is necessary but whom speak of love not in attempt to prove something.

You may say, "but Julieann, you aren't you contradicting your self? You are saying to accept and love and yet at the same time to reject."

That is true I'm saying to accept and to reject, these two components of love are not mutually exclusive. These two components need to be constantly re evaluated in order to reach the balancing point.

I'm choosing to accept those into my life whom respect and accept me. I'm choosing to reject those that do not accept me. It does not mean that I love the rejected any less, it simply means that they do not promote growth and thus contribute to my death. I want to live.

Indulgence

I have been discovered this morning. Erik found out my morning routine from time to time includes eating an breakfast with more sugar than necessary and watching Degrassi and South of Nowhere. Erik exited the shower wrapped in a towel and took one look at the TV before he turned to me and smiled. His smile was one of ambivalence, not quite sure if he should be relieved that I was NOT watching an episode of The Hills or disspaointed that my top TV choices still consisted of indulging in teeny bopper flicks! He quickly decided that he found my choices to be endearing as he pounced on me to shower me with affection. My choices were deemed cute and accepted by him. I still find a wee bit of shame in such senseless television, but it makes me happy so the shame is not as painful!

Sirens and Tshirts

I awoke to the sound of sirens. My brain did not hesitate to allow this sound to remind me of Thanksgiving morning 2005 when my Papa died. I sighed away a moment of sadness. Erik awoke and we decided that french toast would be a great way to start out the day. I grabbed one of Erik's T-shirts to throw on with my pajama pants and again Papa came back in full force. Erik's T-shirt was thin, much like the thin T-shirts I used to wear of my Papa's when I would stay with my Grandparents. Yet another memory that comes back this time of year just to remind me of my Papa.

My belly is now full of buttery egg milk sprouted bread goodness. Thirty minutes here on the eliptical trainer should help displace the left over nutrients my body does not need. I must do some yoga following my cardio so that I can sleep well before this evenings Thanksgiving Labor and Delivery adventures! The holiday's at work actually are not as difficult as one might think. Being a nurse in a specialty unit makes you part of a tight nit family. I will just be spending Thanksgiving with my second family. We shall see how many buns decide to pop out of their ovens tonight!

Cranberries

Just finished preparing the homemade cranberry sauce for my at work thanksgiving feast. Red, tart, with a hint of sweetness. Completely good for you and delicious! If I could be a berry I would definitely choose to be a cranberry!

I'm cold.

Still waiting for UPS to drop off the computer components. I want to go out, but I don't want to get dressed! Maybe some house work is in order. Maybe.

Vanilla Sky

The last few minutes in my life were spent capturing the creamy vanilla sky that placed itself outside of my bedroom window this morning. Vanilla skies are my absolute favorite, they seem to embody how I imagine hope would appear to me if it became something one could visualize. Of course my shooting skills leave something to be desired thus what my eyes beheld is not what got put on my memory card. Today would be a good day for a shooting adventure, unfortunately it is my only day off this week and I must shop to fill our barren fridge and wait around for the UPS delivery of Erik's new baby boy, (baby boy computer) still unnamed as of yet.

This week at work was rather hectic. I had 15 patients over the past two days, 6 deliveries, 4 recoveries, and 5 triages. Two of the deliveries were special cases, one being twins and the other I explain in the paragraph following. I was filled with rage in several situations. This week I allowed myself to be assertive. My actions were not a resolution to the entire problem but for now I'm satisfied with the results. My last day ended with security, HR and a huge fiasco about a witnessed theft event in the locker room. Ugh. I miss working with the male species. For some reason the penis seems to lower the drama potential in the work place especially in nursing.

I delivered my second trisomy 21 baby. That was a heart wrenching experience. You see a Trisomy 21 baby does not always obviously possess the features of downs syndrome. The parents, whom were informed prior to the second trimester that the baby was Trisomy 21 kept saying that they were so glad that the baby was normal and that the doctors were wrong. Unfortunately I recognized the facial features on the baby and I knew in fact that it was not "normal" in the sense that the parents had hoped. When I took the baby to the nursery and laid it naked in the warmer the baby turned its head to the side showing me that it did in fact possess a bit more extreme facial features than I had originally seen. I tried to remind the parents that once a diagnosis of Trisomy 21 is made in utero it will not change. I tried to explain that in genetics cannot "get better" or "go away." I think I failed at my explanation as there was a language barrier due to my limited ability to speak and understand the Vietnamese language.

All in all, the stress and heartache of the past few days was replaced with warmth when I laid my eyes upon my vanilla sky. I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Waiting

Despite how much I mentally benefited from being back in the unit this week and living what I love, my body speaks differently. I do believe that it is time for an alteration in life yet again. My body needs rest and I'm beginning to understand that I should work hours that are more compatible with my life than trying to adhere to a schedule that will cause burn out. I informed my director today that I wish to alter my employment status to part time. For clarification I do intend to work full time but I will do so by working a third day of the week that I choose, and that works with my schedule but not one that was chosen for me. I also informed my director that I would like to work on the day shift from this point forward. Now I just have to wait for an answer.

Pre push.

Sitting at work (kind of an unbelivable event i know), but yes I guess you would call this a pre pushing relaxation event. I'm really waiting for the baby to come down the birth canal more, but he is stuck in the OP position. I'm turning patient from side to side every 15 minutes and I've had her in runners position for an hour! I really want this baby out, sigh.

Bonded

I'm glad to report that my nails are now shaped and filed. They were beyond haggard so I gave in and chopped and filed. Last night I awoke at five PM without an alarm. I felt like there were thumbs in my eyes. I tossed around the idea of taking the newly arrived Holiday cards to work with me to address them in my down time but I got a hunch that down time would not be in my reach tonight. The hunch was in fact correct.

Last night was another evening of running, triage, starting too many IV's too count and it all started off with me having to circulate an OR case that was already underway at the start of my shift. On went the cap, gown, booties mask, and of course the smile as reported to duty. The doors of labor and delivery never had a chance to close as mommies and daddies continually flowed through. There was enough amniotic fluid and blood in the unit last night to fill a lake. The quiet never had a chance last night as it was constantly overthrown by all of the cries of newborns.

Besides that I had to deal with an "incident that occured during a patient transfer that resulted in an explosion of a flourescent light. Gee the fun.

The highlights of the evening were that I was interrogated by two twenty something year olds about a career in nursing and how much they admired my work. I too admired their work as they were both sleeved up and down both arms, overcame narcotic addiction, husbands being in prison and one was giving birth to her second born. In the few hours we were together the three of us women were one. We all had challenges in life, hard spots, and down times and we all understood that by sharing, understanding and expressing honest compassion for one another that we were supporting each other. Three different women, one reason for meeting and all because somehow this strange universe had planned to pull us together to learn from one another. Open minds, shine light on hearts and allow us to be in a place in life that we wouldn't otherwise envision ourselves.

I was woven into last night. I was awake, open, aware and ready. My heart felt full. Illumination of souls poured into every moment of our work. There was enough laughter to vanquish all the sorrows in the world in just our little L&D unit alone. Warriors entering a battle, we collectively chose victory and thus it was awarded to us without effort. I feel like part of a family now.

Power

My nails are in dire straights. They are in need of manicure. I attribute most of their deterioration and malformations to last night. The soap in the waterless soap dispensers and the multiple uses last night are partially responsible, and my use of them as tools in opening IV med packets, vials, and for mechanical usage sucks up the rest of the liability.

Last night, or shall I report it to be early this AM because most of the action occurred just past 3AM, was a bit on the nutty side!

I went to work still congested and not feeling 100%. Helped deliver a beautiful baby boy @ 2309. The laboring and delivery was easy. Both parents were a joy to coach, concerned but not needy or whiny. Mom was a total trooper. I pushed with her just a bit past crowning and then called the doctor in for the delivery. Everything flowed just as text book delivery. This was all fine and dandy with the exception of a crabby post partum nurse who didn't feel like going above and beyond for her patient.

By 1AM it was just seven of us girls in the unit and one patient whom was just present for observation but not in active labor. We took turns with lunches, stocked the unit, swapped children stories and then the hour came. 3AM. The charge nurse had to let go of some of the nurses at this time because there was not justification for having the low patient to high nurse ratio. Two nurses joyfully left the unit, home bound to a nice warm bed. Not more than 15 minutes following the departure of our two sacrificial ladies, do we have the arrival of three pregnant moms all seemingly in labor. I needed a cough drop. My throat begin to hurt but as the world of nursing goes, the nurse comes second. I had to call down to ICU to find someone to tube me a cough drop, thank goodness I have friends in the right places!

While mom one and two are being assessed, triaged and put to bed, I find myself running from room to room assisting. I pop my head in the first room and the nurse states, "Yep shes ruptured, we need to admit and start an IV, she is also going to be a C section and she is already 6 cm." (this means we have to go into the operating room almost immediately and have the patient prepped and ready in 30 minutes)

I take note of the needs of nurse one and go across the hall where I literally run into nurse two who states: "she is ruptured and shes 8cm and feels like pushing and this is baby #3." (this means nurse two has the fastest moving patient) The adrenaline slams and I run down the hall to get the IV for nurse two as well as the birthing kit and any other equipment we might need when my charge nurse comes running down the hall and says: "we have a possible parking lot birth and Julieann you take the patient that just walked in!" I call another nurse to assist with nurse one and two and I go up to the front to assess the new patient. Unfortunately the housekeeping supervisor has decided that this is a grand time to wax the floors in labor and delivery and I have to hurdle over the ultrasound machine and IV pole and a wheelchair that he has convinently placed in my way! I will tell my supervisor about this one!

New patient does not seem to be in any pain but her pajamas are wet and she states that her water ruptured. I decide to ask her how it happened, because you can gather the accuracy from a patent's story most of the time and depending up on what they say it could have just been that they urinated on themselves, in this case it was most likely that her membranes had in fact ruptured, from the wet spot on her pants and the story.

I get the patient into bed and swab her vagina with nitrazine. It turns blue, most likely she is ruptured. I put her on the FHR monitor and the TOCO to assess for contractions and she is in fact contracting. I'm already on page five of the assessment and complete with the physical part when I look down at her belly again. Something is strange. I do Leopolds maneuver one more time just assessing her abdomen and pregnant belly, when it strikes me, she must be breech. So I ask her, "Where you ever told that your baby was breech, positioned with the head up?" She says to me, "Oh yea i forgot to tell you that, I'm breech so I'm scheduled for a C section next week." I smile but on the inside I really really wonder how and why this situation actually exists...it makes me cry on the inside out of frustration. At this point I have to do a vaginal exam and hope to God that I don't find a leg sticking out of a vagina. So i put her in trendelenburg position which is tipped with her head towards the ground at an angle and I preform my vaginal exam...and oh yea...there is a foot in there. Luckily she is only 3cm and the cervix is still closed enough to hold those little toes in the uterus. I call for whoever can hear me and tell them to call the MD stat. I finish assessing the patient, the OR is prepped and before you know it we are rolling.

The OR goes relatively well with the exception of a new RN who decides to assist me with the preparations. After everything is about done she asks the scrub tech and I, "What do you guys need?" The scrub tech and I both look at each other, exchange exasperated glances and then look at the new RN and shout in unison, "THE DOCTORS!" She runs out of the OR to tell the doctors to go ahead and scrub in. At this point I laugh, as it is the only thing left to do.

The rest of the procedure is fine. I take the patient to the recovery room. No vomiting, no hemorrhaging, vitals are stable, all is well and it's nearing the six o clock hour! She is also denying pain and allowing me to do fundal massage! Wow!

I get called out of recovery to assist some of the other RN's with starting IV's and moving patients when I find one of the patients to be an old friend and supervisor from ICU! Awesome! We chat for a while because frankly I need a break and its always refreshing to have this person to talk to as she shares the same sarcastic dry sense of humor that I do in the work place. We chat and I actually get to take her into the OR but that is where I depart.

I report off to the oncoming nurse who thinks it is funny to make jokes about charging me $5.00 for her to do HER job. She is one of the nurses that always leaves unfinished work for me to clean up and never stays over to help. I suck it up, smile, and I stay over and assist her hoping that she will learn from my gracious actions. A girl can hope right?

I'm home. I survived. I needed that night back at work. It reminded me that i love what I do despite the insanity behind it and the fact that it can be chaotic. The feeling of helping bring a life into the world is why I adore my job and what keeps me happy but the laughter, the companionship and being part of a team that can do amazing things is why I continue to do my job.

Being a witness to the abilities and natural orchestration of 5 completely different women in an overwhelming situation touches me deep down. There is something magical about knowing the power and strength behind seemingly gentle hands and hearts. Then after all of it is over and there is no more need for the display of these powerful qualities, the women tuck them away with grace, humility and thankfulness and smile understanding the paradox of how small it all is in the grand scheme of things.

A warm shower now beckons. Then the browsing of magazines that just came in the mail until my eyelids fall heavy with sleep.

Papa

On Thanksgiving Day of 2005, I lost my grandfather Mr. James Harold Yerka. His death was sudden and unexpected but he passed at home in the morning after having a slice of pecan pie, his favorite. I was never really sad that day despite being the first one on the scene at the hospital and viewing the ER coding. Actually I was aware of his death before even setting a foot in the ER. The paramedic trucks out front were parked sloppy and there were the pea green and purple boxes smashed on the ground, the boxes that I know so well. These boxes are the standard boxes that atropine and epinephrine come in for any emergency stock such as a crash cart, medic truck, medic copter, ER etc. These medications coupled with CPR or defibrillation are used to try to chemically charge and restart the heart. My hands that past year had opened those boxes in similar destructive fashion with great fervor in attempt to save lives in the ICU. Seeing those boxes on the ground now that I had not myself opened changed my feeling towards them. The scene became more vivid and suddenly the lavender boxes contrasted quite well with the red medic trucks. I walked slowly past the boxes on the ground the sullen faced medics and into the ER, I knew my answer before feeling the blast of ER from the automatic ER doors opening. I remember walking slowly up to the bed to the code and CPR in action, no one stopped me. I saw them stomping on his chest and I calmly placed my hand on a nurses shoulder and said, "stop." I looked at his rhythm on the monitor, there really was no hope. It was typical PEA or pulseless electrical activity. There was no electrical pulse it was only manual from them stomping on his chest. They all left the scene apologetically, the MD pulled me away and apologized stating that it appears to have been a massive heart attack. I thanked her, walked up to papa, felt his cold stiff hand, he felt dead. He had been dead for a while. I looked into his blue eyes one last time before closing them. That was my Papa's body, but not my papa anymore.

After that family started arriving and it was a mess, a big family drama. Every year I think about this event. Every year I remember the shower before I got the phone call from my grandmother that my grandfather had stopped breathing.

Sadly I remember awaking that morning feeling in my gut that something was not normal. The same feeling I get now that usually is in fact a harbinger to an unfavorable event. The feelings or preminitions I get however is a whole different story for a different time. Back from my diversion, I remember the feelings that morning, even the acid moving in my stomach while taking a shower and then sure enough as towel on head soaking wet I run to get the phone and there it is. There is the call, the moment that gave my doom feelings their validation.

Besides all of this, I have dealt with his death in a rather odd way. I never cried over his loss per se. I was sad, but in my heart I knew that this is exactly the way it was to be. I cried alot over the chaos that the family decides to evoke at the time of a death, that is just pure nonesense and again an entirely different story.

From time to time however I find myself thinking about my life and quoting my grandfather. I find myself in situations where his wisdom and words are the first things that come to my mind. These thoughts and contributions he made to my life are truly what I want to remember and they are also how I know his spirit lives on. It is so cliche to say that "when someone is gone what was most annoying you will find so beautiful and miss the most," but that statement is true. My grandfather repeated himself throughout my life. His repititious advice seemed to be annoying at times, but now I know that annoyance was only due to the fact that at the time I was choosing to deny how true it was.

I decided that I wanted to start taking note of his advice and words of wisdom so that I can convey the same messages to my children and their children. I someday aspire to be the same happy annoying grandmother to my grandchildren that my grandfather was to us.

One of the phrases that my grandfather used to often repeat is, "Neither a lender nor a borrower be, for loan oft loses itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry." This saying rings true today as I find myself a bit frustrated with a friend that is failing me. Sigh.

Sicky

I have since abandoned the entire free write plan. I'm still ill. My sinuses feel like someone has been digging around in them. This has been a horrific virus. It started with an achy throat which I concluded was from post nasal drip. I arrived at this conclusion after taking my pen light for pupil checks and peering into the dark cavern. Where my tonsils lived a few years back where large clear shiny blisters. They were not covered with white patches which in fact confirmed that it was mere irritation and not infestation. The next morning I awoke with a searing headache and I wondered if I would ever be able to inhale through my nose again due to the clogging. The crap storm persisted. Days later I became achy again and feverish. Laryngitis set in, and the congestion worsened.

The worst part of this entire viral infestation has been the inconsistency of the symptoms. In the morning when one would normally want to be able to awake, breathe and work on expectorating I was clogged. In the evening when one would normally sleep and like to have the congestion or fluids dry up so as not to choke on them, I was like a burst fire hydrant. I have been sleeping during the day and awake at night, which I'm sure is not helping.

I've been through a rainbow of cough syrups, over the counter cold medicines, preventitive elixers, and symptom relievers. Unfortunately none of them seem to have the effects that I want them to have, or live up to their claims!

Erik daily removes his pillow from the bedroom so that I don't get my "germs" on it. This morning I found that he hid it by the side of the bed! He has been so loyal feeding me soup, buying me popsicles and cold medicines, bless his heart. I must get back to my wife form and repay him, plus I miss cuddling with him. I could sneak and cuddle with him after he was asleep and he would never know...but I don't think he would appreciate drool on his chest or being woken out of sleep by a large seal bark!

I have been absent two of the three days I was scheduled to work last week and sadly I miss it, but I know my bank account is going to miss it more. I guess I can kiss new photography gear and computer good bye. I'm scheduled to work tommorrow, and I refuse to let some microbe that is smaller than me take me down...even if it is exponentially larger than I'm.

The Battle Plan:

Shower in steaming hot bath with allergy and congestion elixir in the water.
Consume 2000ml of fluid.
Double dose of vitamins.
Consume a fruit, vitamin, zinc concoction with vitamin B.
Steam throat and sinuses with humidifier towel over head contraption (taking care not to burn face off.)
Drink Tea and soup.
Attempt to nap.
Steam sinuses again.
Eat a solid meal for the first time in four days.
Finally wait for the moment in which the sparkles surround me and I hear the sound of the magical detonation of the viral bodies and feel instantly relieved so that I may sleep. Wait for it....waaaaiiit for it....wait for it! NOW!


On another note why are their Christmas and holiday commercials on TV already? Not sure I understand that one but the Hershey's kiss holiday jingle just made itself annoying to me. Eh, probably because I CAN'T BREATHE!

A point.

One of the aspirations I have jotted down in my tattered planner from 1999 is to have been published by the age of 30. I'm past 30 and I have been published but as a collective author, not on my own. I'm lazy. I should have published something by now, well more than a poem or an excerpt in a text book about the history of law in America. Phooey.

A few months back I was given a moleskin blank book which I had intended to breathe to life with a pen. Too bad the thing now has a nice sweeping of dust over it. I'm invigorated by this blogging activity. I type a lot faster than I write and think. My brain jumps from thought to thought faster than my mouth moves. I find it oppressive to expel my thoughts by any other means that typing. Here I sit, or type.

In this whole blogging adventure I skidded across a "free write" blog activity. The concept of the "free write" suggestion is to provide you with a topic to write about daily, to keep your skills fresh. The rules dictate that you have 3 minutes after reading the topic to write freely about it. I believe I would like to give the "free write" a stab.

Today's topic is: Poisonous words coated with honey.

All I can see is this thick translucent amber slime covering a very precarious looking black beetle like shape. Not sure what the beetle has to do with anything. Are beetles poisonous? I remember when I was around seven or eight years of age, in the back seat of my parents Buick. The seats had an odor of old fabric. I was hot and tired from the day. The sun was setting and we were heading as a family to Chuck E Cheese for our weekend reward for some sort of good conduct. My little fingers flicked the automatic window button back and forth out of sheer boredom. I noticed the silver coating was flaking off of the plastic button. That coating is actually quite sharp and from past experience I knew to be cautions because it would cut me. To my surprise the window started to roll down due to my dad's accidental bumping of the child safety release. In my startlement I must have opened my mouth because the next thing I remember is an acrid taste in my mouth and a sharp pain. There was a large black bug in my mouth. I spit and spit and screeched as if I was being tortured. The end result was my dad pulling over the car. The black beetle was chased out of the car by my hero! I was however given a good talking too about yelling at such a high decibel while someone was trying to operate an automobile. I cried. I was so upset at the taste that was in my mouth, I was sure I had been poisoned. At that point I'm certain that honey would have tasted quite pleasant.

Wow that's it? I'm out of time? I had more to write. In retrospect however, there is a good start and finish to the quick write. I didn't quite write about poisonous words, but I played fair. I wrote exactly what came to mind however I think that I got hung up on the literal sense of the word honey, and missed the entire phrase all together. Does that matter? Not sure. Hm I'm not impressed. I want a do over. Now I have to redeem myself! I think I may grow quite fond of this activity, possibly out of redemption, but still.

I need theraflu now, before I drown in my own bodily fluids.

The medical mystery continues.

The MD called today with my lab results. Everything is normal in regards to my body chemistry with the exception of my Eosinophil count. For readers that are not quiet familar with the term Eosinophil, provided is a definition:

Eosinophil - Eosinophil granulocytes, usually called eosinophils (or, less commonly, acidophils), are white blood cells that are one of the immune system components responsible for combating infection and parasites. They also control mechanisms associated with allergy and asthma.

These cells are eosinophilic or 'acid-loving': Normally transparent, they appear brick-red when stained with eosin, a dye, using the Romanowsky method. The staining is concentrated in small granules within the cellular cytoplasm, which contain many chemical mediators, such as histamine.

In normal individuals eosinophils make up about 1-6% of white blood cells, and are about 12-17 micrometers in size.[1] They are found in the medulla and the junction between the cortex and medulla of the thymus, and, in the lower gastrointestinal tract, ovary, uterus, spleen, and lymph nodes, but not in the lung, skin, esophagus, or some other internal organs under normal conditions. The presence of eosinophils in these latter organs is associated with disease. Eosinophils persist in the circulation for 8-12 hours, and can survive in tissue for an additional 8-12 days in the absence of stimulation.

My Eosinophil count is elevated. My MD believes this elevation to be as such due to my bodies reaction to allergens. She informed me that my hypothyroid symptoms are due to the elevated eosinophil count and allergies. In reviewing my test results from the allergist she has advised me to stay away from grass, mold, pollen, cats and dogs, olive trees, pine trees, dust, the list goes on ad nauseum. It was also suggest that I start making appearances for the allergist on a regular basis, which translates to: "weekly allergy injections." No thank you.

It appears to me that she is suggesting that I live in a bubble of sorts. I'm not certain as to what I should be thinking about this new diagnosis. I have been pensive on this one all day. Allergies are the cause of all of my problems.

It makes sense. I'm examining my lack of complete acceptance of this diagnosis, although I should be rather relieved as it does not require medications that would completely change my physiology or body chemistry.

Sigh.

I have thought about locating a picture of a stained eosinophil to frame and hang on my wall where I view it daily. My rationale behind this moderate absurdity is that if I'm exposed to Mr. Eosinophil daily in turn he is exposed to me, then maybe we can work on our relationship.