After

Last night was a night of insomnia. I tossed and turned. I was steadily plagued with a strong appetite to abandon home. My mind raced. Nothing could soothe the affliction had taken residence in my heart. I cannot comprehend how it has advanced to the place where I have lost all tolerance. At first I was uncertain as to the nature of my my thoughts. I toggled back and forth the idea that my confusion was rooted in some form of jealousy. Not a jealousy of person per se but a longing for condition, situation, and a chance. My methodology again became systematic. I began to process again from a base rooted in logic. The only sensible conclusion was that I was pushing firmly to try and become the "teacher."

My worst weakness is one that is amusing when explained. I find it very strenuous not to advise. At times this shortcoming lands me in a place I rather not be. This urge I have to teach or steward burdens me with an overwhelming sense of frustration from time to time. All in all I have found the solution to my predicament. The solution achieved by isolation from situations that stimulate me to teach, or as I now see it to impose.

I refuse to allow myself to become an imposition. I especially refuse to allow myself to believe that I possess a base of knowledge that deserves to be spread. The fact is that I'm ignorant. Other factors that contribute to the viscidity of the situation are the unwillingness of others to allow illumination and honesty. There is a fear that is being clung to. Unfortunately this fear has become the epicenter of a destructive wave of dishonesty.

As it has been stated in many ways by many a great person throughout time, the unwillingness to allow the world to see your flaws will prevent anyone from wanting to see even you. When a person barricades themselves from exposure intending to shield themselves from hurt the start the process of a life of deception and thus isolation. This is a very sad situation but fortunately is not a problem of mine.

I do believe that this experience has been enriching. A while back it was presented to me that one of the most trying moments in life will be when you are faced with a choice of being alone to maintain integrity versus living falsely in the company of others. At this moment I do not need light to shine in order to see clearly the answer that will result in a life of fulfillment. The lesson is one that is complicated, the answer however is simple yet ironic. In order to be in the company of others you must maintain integrity, as a life of falsehood will stear you down a lonely path.

After all of this pondering I have arrived at a sense of peace. The purpose of the turmoil was to advance my comprehension. It is silly that I should feel sorrow in growth but it is fact. When my being is labeled as an imposition it is only because of those that are perceiving me, not who I actually am, it is a harbinger. It is time again to cultivate. Another season of life has passed and thus it is time to say farewell to the burdens of the past, and seek out enrichment. The soil must be turned, the weeds picked. The garden has dried, it is time to seek out new land and sow once again in a place where the shortcomings of others will not trample upon my heart.