Lying

Lying can be divided into two types: white lies and black lies. A black lie is a statement we make that we know is false. A white lie is a statement we make that is not in itself false, but that leaves out a significant part of the truth. The fact that a lie is white does not in itself make it any less of a lie or any more excusable. White lies may be every bit as destructive as black ones. A governmetn that withholds essential information form its people by censorship is no more democratic than one that speaks falsely. The patient who neglected to mention that she had overdrawn the family bank account was impeding her growth in therapy no less than if she had lied directly. Indeed, because it may seem less reprehensible,teh withholding of essential information is the most common form of lying, and becasue it may be the more difficult to detect and confront, it is often even more pernicious than black-lying.

White lying is considered socially acceptable in many of our relationships because "we don't want to hurt peoples feelings." Yet we may bemoan the fact that our soical relationships are generally superficical. Most people state that white lying is acceptable becasue it protects someone while in fact it actually deprives the relationship of wholeness. There is also deprivation of the reassurance of the trust in the relationship if these things that were lied about were actually discussed openly.

Only in business or politics should the selective withholding of one's opinions be practiced from time to time. Withholding opinions in a personal relationship will eventually result in its destruction.

What rules then can one follow if one is dedicated to a relationship, or to the truth?

First, NEVER SPEAK FALSEHOOD.

Second, Bear in mind that the act of WITHHOLDING ANY information or truth is always and lie and that in each instance in which the truth is withheld a significant moral decision is required.

Third, the decision to withhold the truth should NEVER be based on PERSONAL needs such as a need for power, A NEED TO BE LIKED, or a need to protect one's life from challenge.

Fourth, and conversely, the decision to withhold tthe truth must always be based entirely upon the needs of the person or people from whom the truth is being withheld.

Fifth, the assessment of another's needs is an act of responsibility which is so complex that it can only be executed wisely when one operates with genuine love for the other.

Sixth, The primary factor in the assessment of another's needs is the assessment of that person's capacity to utilize the truth for his or her own spiritual growth.

Finally, in assessing the capacity of another to utilize the truth for personal spiritual growth, it should be borne in mind that our tendency is generally to underestimate rather than overestimate this capacity.

All of this might seem like an extraordinary task, impossible to ever perfectly complete, a chronic and never ending burden. And it is indeed a never ending burden of self disciplene, which is why most people opt for a life of very limited honest and openness and relative closedness, hiding themselves and their lives from the world. It is easier that way. Yet the rewards of the difficult life of honesty and deidcation to the truth are more than commensurate with the demands. By virtue of the fact that their lives are continually being challenged, open people are continually growing people. Through their open ness they can establish and maintain intimate relationships far more effectively than more closed people. Because they never speak falsely they can be secure and proud in the knowledge that they have done nothing to contribute to the confusion of the world, but have served as sources of illumination and clarification. Finally, they are totally free to be. They are not burdened by any need to hide. They do not have to slink around in the shadows. They do not have to construct new lies to hide old ones. they need waste no effort covering tracks or maintaining disguises. And ultimately they find that the energy required for the self discipline of honesty is far less than the energy required for secretiveness. The more honest one is, the eaiser it is to continue being honest, just as the more lies one has told, the more necessary it is to lie again. By their openness, people dedicated to the truth live in the open, and through the exercise of their courage to live in teh open, they become free from fear.